4/22/24

It’s hard for me to imagine that you’ll be in my life for long because of how good you are. I almost can’t let myself hope you’ll be in it forever because you seem too good to be true. You seem too right for me, too understanding. It feels like I’ll jinx it if I start hoping that I’ll get you for a long time. Every time you ghost, I get scared it’s the last annoying text I’ll get from you. The last time I’ll giggle stupidly at my phone because of one of your messages. The end of the long Facetime calls. And in those moments, when I think you’re gone, I’m nothing but grateful for the moments I got with you. You keep saying you have to keep me coming back, but I can promise that I can’t stop coming back. It’s frustrating really, how much of a hold you have on me. I just hope you don’t realize that.

It’s killing me that we aren’t talking about the fact that we almost  held hands. This is embarrassing to admit, but I went to bed with that hand curled up close to my chest and fell asleep to thoughts of what it would be like to really hold your hand. Sadly, I’m already forgetting how warm your hands were, I can’t feel the ghost of your fingers dancing with mine like I did yesterday.  You make me feel reckless.

I feel like we’re playing chicken. In a standoff of  ‘who can hide their feelings the longest.’ My stomach did flips when I saw a picture of my letter as the picture for one of your playlists. It’s like playing chess, you’re moving your pawns to trap me into checkmate – confessing my feelings first. That little move threw off my entire game. It made me forget about winning and almost convinced me to surrender. It made me start believing the songs in your playlist made you think of me. I have a burning question I need to ask you, are those lyrics something you feel through your entire self, like I do? Or are they just pretty words and chords that you like the best? More importantly, am I tricking myself into thinking that you feel the same way I do? It’s so hard not to be obvious about how much I like you. I can’t be subtle with you