What Am I Doing?

I need to write an entry because it’s been a few days, I am feeling off without my older kids. Although I know they will be home tomorrow, I am feeling anxious again and trying to keep things under control.

My husband is home and pretty much completely ignoring me, he doesn’t even try to touch me anymore. I am not sure why this is bothering me as much as it is, because he started ignoring me before everything blew up.

I think everything is over between us although he says that he wants to be with me and for us to work things out, his actions just don’t match his words.

I discovered he’s been talking with random women on Snapchat, although the messages expire, the fact that his snap scores with these random women are higher than his and mine are together, says that there has been something going on and for a while.

hes also added random women from across the other side of the country and over seas to his Facebook, and he’s hearted their photos and commented on their posts tells me a lot.

I ve been through this before, I am not dumb, the fact that if I bring anything up he goes off how he would never cheat on me and I don’t even need to hint at that’s what I think, I just need to ask who is “x,y,z” and he’s straight into defensive mode is a big give away.

Although I will give him credit that he did tell me about how his brothers ex had started messaging him on snapchat and he told her to fuck off and apparently blocked her.

I honestly think he is using me for a place to stay so he doesn’t end up homeless and on the street.

When I asked him why he wanted to be with me because he is so determined it was me who called the police about our problems, even though he’s been told that it wasn’t me, including by the officer who arrested him. His response was “Well you won’t let me leave and take my daughter.”

I hate this, because now he’s only going to hold me back from being happy.

He doesn’t even realise I changes his Facebook information and removed his relationship status to nothing, mine has been set to complicated for the past 6 months.

Yes I know it was a shitty move, but I know it will be like when I changed my name in his phone contacts to “the slut” after he started calling me one to my face every time he got angry with me. needless to say its still there as far as I know.

At the end of the day, I know he doesn’t like me and he hasn’t for a while. I am a convenience to him

convenient for a place to live

convenient for regular food

convenient for sex when he wants it

convenient for him to have someone around to make his life easier

in the meantime iam loosing myself to a man who was never like this for 4 years, what makes this year so different?