I think my bulimia stole my life

I’m 20 soon and realising I’m about to be a proper adult has me reflecting a lot. I hate being sick and knowing its never going to end soon. I want so badly to be normal but I don’t think I ever will be. I envy everyone because of it. Part of me feels guilty knowing that I’m ruining the life a younger me dreamed of but my brain wont let me be free.

I spent my teenage years in lockdown then destroyed the rest after by letting myself develop this disorder. I ruined so much of my life and I can never get it back. Its worse knowing it was all for nothing. I still hate every part of myself. I don’t think I will ever not.

I’m so terrified of what my future looks like mainly in regards to having a family. The only thing I have ever wanted was to become a mam and part of me questions every day if I’m going to ruin my fertility. I don’t know how I’ll be able to live if I do. I’m so tired of everything, I want God to fix me but I know he can’t. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do it myself.