My First Love

I wanted to share the story of my first love, to inspire hope for those who may think it isn’t real or feel it is out of reach. Love is out there, in my experience you must be patient, open to thoughts different than your own, and willing to give as much as you take and respect yourself enough to ask the same in return.

My husband is an amazing man, I lack the vocabulary to express how deeply I love him, but this post is not about him. I would be happy to share our origin story in another post, if anyone is interested.

My name is Topher, and I was born and raised in a small town in rural Ohio. I have a twin brother, David. He is five minutes younger, and we have always been close, but complete opposites. While I am an optimist, he is a bit pessimistic. I am an extrovert, he is introverted. I had straight brown hair, while David has short brown curls. I was always very thin and average height, maybe slightly shorter than other boys. David was always very tall for his age and was taller and broader than most adult men by fifth grade. I enjoyed being outside and running the neighborhood, David was a home body who preferred television and video games.

When David and I were four years old, we attended a head start program, a daycare for children before kindergarten. On our first day, I made fast friends with another boy named Luke.  Luke was taller than me, with long wiry arms and legs, and wavy blond hair. I was drawn to his wide smile, and his laugh.

Every day, when our mothers dropped us off, Luke and I would immediately find each other and would be connected at the hip. David would often join our play time, snack time, and during nap time, David would be on one side of me and Luke on the other.

I remember the last day of preschool was an emotional one, Luke’s mother and mine made friendly conversation while they encouraged us to say our goodbyes. I was upset with tears in my eyes as we hugged, thinking this would be the last time I ever seen Luke.

The following summer my family moved from our rancher and home David, and I had known since birth to a two-story brick house with white trim and navy-blue shutters.

I remember running around the front yard as my father unloaded boxes from his pickup truck onto the lawn.  A tall burly man came out of the house two doors down and approached, waving and laughing as he called out my father’s name. Apparently, our new neighbor was a close friend my father had grown up with, Mike. The two had not seen each other since they had graduated high school. My father excitedly shared how my parents had just bought the house, and his friend welcomed us to the neighborhood. A few minutes went by, and my five-year-old mind was distracted by something other than the grownups conversation.

Suddenly Mike’s front door swung open, and Luke came running out towards Mike calling” Daddy!”  As soon as Luke saw me, he shrieked with delight as he made a b-line for me. Luke knocked me to the ground as he hugged me, and we laughed.

After that day, our families were very close, we would often have back yard barbecues together, Friday movie nights in the living room, camping and fishing trips out of town and pretty much every weekend Luke and I alternated staying the night at each other’s houses.

Growing up in such a small town, we often had the same classes as the student body wasn’t very large, but Luke and I were often sat far part due to our last names being nearly on opposite ends of the alphabet. In elementary school, we would often smile at each other from across the room and make funny faces trying to get the other to laugh.

I first realized that I may be different from other boys around the age of twelve. We had recently had a lesson in school where the teachers separated the boys and girls and discussed the changes our bodies would soon undergo caused my puberty. A short time later I was in my brother David’s room looking for something of mine, I was randomly grabbing at the mess of stuff pushed under his bed when I pulled out a lady’s swimsuit magazine. I remember browsing through it and feeling nothing of a sexual interest for the images and not understanding why David was looking at this stuff and I wasn’t, since we were the same age.  I just thought it would happen eventually, but it never did.

Around fourteen, David had already physically gone through the changes of puberty, he resembled a linebacker of the NFL, more than a teenager. I had grown some inches standing nearly 5’8”, but I was still narrow and thin, weighting no more than hundred and twelve pounds entering high school and I had put on very little weight at the time of graduating. What did change, during my first year of high school, by hair which had been a medium brown color dramatically changed to a peppery gray and silver. My mother had taken me to see my pediatrician out of concern of how quickly it had converted in color. The doctor gave me a full physical, drew some blood, and asked my mother and I about my diet, home/ school life and if I had experienced any traumatic events, to which I had not. I don’t believe the blood results came back with anything, as my parents never addressed the result with me.

Puberty had caught up with Luke the summer before we started high school. He had grown much taller, standing around 5’11”.  Luke was no longer thin and gangly, his chest, arms, and legs had become more muscular and defined. His blond hair which his mother had kept short since elementary school had grown out over the summer back to the long wavy locks I remembered from when we first met in head start.

One day shortly before the start of our sophomore year, Luke called up my house and asked me to meet him at the huge boulder deep in the woods directly behind our houses. This was odd for two reasons, one Luke rarely ever called our house, he would always just walk through the kitchen door at the back, as our families were so close and second, his voice sounded reserved and a bit shaky, not like his usual boisterous self.

The boulder was a place that the neighborhood kids had made a type of hang out when we were younger, but few visited it anymore that we were teens.  As I trekked the woods, the sun was high in the sky, small beams of sunshine breaching the heavy overgrowth. Luke had already arrived and was leaning against the boulder, his shoulders shank in, his hands grasp together. I don’t think he noticed as I first approached, he appeared to be lost in thought.

When he looked up from his hands and into my eyes, I was practically right in front of him. He smiled, but it wasn’t his usual smile, it seemed forced and uncertain. I immediately asked if everything was okay, it was concerning to see my best friend this way. He said everything was find, I wasn’t convinced. Luke said he had something to ask me, but he was afraid it could ruin our friendship, his body was shaking at this point.

This scared me, I had never seen him behave like this and my heart was aching from concern. I grabbed his hands in mine, looked him straight in the eyes and told him that there was nothing that he could ever do that would ruin our friendship and I meant it with the absolute certainty only a naïve teen possesses.

Looking away from me and down to the side, Luke let out a deep shaky breath and blurted out, “Do you love me?” The question knocked me back a bit, of course I loved Luke, he was like a brother to me, I loved him just as much as my twin brother David. The questioned

seemed silly, I answered immediately, “Yes, I love you, is something wrong?”

Luke’s green eyes looked up from the ground and into mind, but my words did not seem to comfort him. “No Topher, you don’t get it”, he was correct, I didn’t understand what he was asking.

I noticed tears forming at the edge of his eyes which had return to staring out into the woods. Luke let out a deep sigh that I can only describe as sorrowful. “Topher, I think, no… I FEEL, no… God!!!, Topher I am IN love with you!”. His words seemed almost like a foreign language; I understood the words he was using but was unable to comprehend what they meant.

As I mention earlier, we lived in rural Ohio and lived a very sheltered life. I was not even aware that homosexuality existed. As far as I knew, every boy grew up, married a woman, and had a family. The thought that two men or two women could be together romantically or physically had never crossed my mind. To be fair thou, I never gave much thought about sex or sexuality of any kind.  As my brother, friends and I had grown into teenagers, I had noticed many of them were talking about sex, quite a lot actually and I was aware of how odd it was that I was not thinking about such things myself, but I just figured I wasn’t finished going through puberty and the thoughts and feeling would come eventually.

Luke’s gaze had returned to mine, and he just stood there staring, waiting for me to say something. I don’t think I notice him let out a breath, he was still as a statue. I did not know what to say or do, I felt so alien in that moment, like I was certain I was from another planet. All I wanted was to comfort Luke, I would do or say whatever was necessary to take this stress away from him, to return Luke to the smiling, goofy, rowdy guy I knew.

When no words came to me, I simply stepped closer to Luke, face to face in fact. Being close to Luke always made me happy and I was hoping I would have the same effect on him. My blue eyes met his green teary eyes, and we stayed that way for what felt like a long period of time, no words, just an energy building in the narrow space between us.

Luke was the first to react, he leaned in, his eyes remained open as he touched his lips to mine. I had never thought about kissing someone before, so I wasn’t focused on the kiss itself, my thought was still how to ensure Luke was happy and I figured that since Luke had initiated the kiss, that is what would make him happy. So, I leaned into the kiss myself and stayed that way until Luke pulled away. Luke’s shaky breath has been replaced with a calmer demeanor, his eyes no longer looked sorrowful but lit up with the excitement I was accustomed to, his mouth now shaped with a small grin, I grinned back.

After a short moment, Luke leaned in again to kiss me, this time his eyes were closed, and I didn’t feel any unsured hesitation on his part. I followed his lead and did the same, as our eyes were closed, lips touching, I do not know what Luke was feeling or thinking, but what I noticed was how the tension was leaving his body, the frantic energy surrounding him, was melting away, replaced with a warmth, this filled me first with relief and then joy.

Luke and I kissed a few more times, as he became more comfortable with this action his hands moved up around my waist and I would mimic whatever move he made.

After Luke had satisfied his desire to kiss me, he climbed up on top of the boulder and pulled me up beside him. He confessed that his feelings for me had evolved about two years prior, but he was confused at first as to what it meant and then terrified when he realized that he was queer, a word his cousin had apparently taught him the summer before.

 

Luke’s parents were devout Christians, his father was friendly and outgoing, but whenever he seen or heard about something he did not approve of, God was the answer. Luke’s mother was warm and kind, but very strict when it came to Luke and his sister Becca’s up bringing. They attended church every Sunday and Luke’s mother was often doing some kind of work for the church during the week as well.

As Luke sat beside me atop the boulder, his expression again turned to one of sorrow as he made it clear, that our family and friends could not know about our feelings for each other. I assured him that I would not say a word. The truth was, I was keeping a truth from Luke as well. I did love Luke, and I was willing to kiss and hold him, if that is what made him happy, but my feelings were not of a romantic or sexual nature. I did not know what I was or that there was a label to describe my situation at the time.

We started the school year and not much changed, we were involved in different school clubs and sports. Luke played football along with my brother David in the fall and baseball in the spring and I played volleyball in the fall and tennis in the spring. While our grades and extracurricular activities kept us busy, Luke and I always found moments for just the two of us. Between classes we would scurry into a back hallway or stairwell, a few pecks on the lips as we made our way to our next class. At home, we would have light make out sessions atop the boulder in the woods or in my room with the door locked. Never at Luke’s house, he was afraid his parents may walk in on us.

When I was sixteen, my mother passed away unexpectedly in June. An allergic reaction to a bee sting and an undiagnosed heart condition caused her body to go into shock, we were told she was gone before her body touched the ground. At the time, I thought I handled her passing very well, thanks in large part to Luke and his family, but the reality is I was in shock and distracted myself with anything, but her death.

Three weeks after my mother’s passing, Luke’s family had a trip planned to visit his maternal grandmother out of state. Luke’s parents asked my dad if they could bring me along to help take my mind off my mother’s death. My father agreed and convinced me I should go.  Luke and I sat in the back of his mother’s minivan, which we had converted into our chill zone with blankets, a small handheld radio and snacks for the six-hour drive. His parent could not see us in the far back of the van and Luke spent most of the trip holding my hand and trying to comfort me.

Luke’s grandmother lived in a large cabin next to a giant lake, the scenery was breath taking. We spent the days playing in the lake and exploring the property. At night we shared a bed in the basement suite, which Luke’s parent didn’t think anything of, as we had always shared a bed when we stayed the night at each other’s houses.

During the second week of our stay, Luke’s parents, little sister and grandmother choose to travel another two hours away to visit Luke’s aunt’s place. Luke and I offered to stay behind, as his aunt’s house did not have room to accommodate us all. We were excited at the idea of being left on our own for two whole days.

That first day to ourselves, we had done the same as the days before, swam in the lake, laid out on the dock to catch some sun and walked into town a short distant away to buy snacks with the money our parents had given us. Luke was able to let his guard down, without the fear of family or friends catching us, he was much more relaxed. He would constantly pull me close, wrap his arms around my waist and kiss me deeply, he was a bit more aggressive than he had been previously and I did not mind, as I could see he was freely acting on his urges and truly happy.

That night we readied for bed, just the two of us in the house. I was laying on my side, facing away from Luke. My eyes were closed, and a storm of emotions were rolling between my mind and my chest thinking about the loss of my mother. I was suddenly jerked back to reality as Luke spooned up behind me, I could feel his hard on grow as be rubbed the front of his boxers against my backside. Luke reached his arm around and very slowly slid his hand down my chest and into the front of my briefs. I let out a gasp as he began to fondle my parts, he repeatedly kissed the back of my neck. We made love for the first time that night, this was a completely new experience for us both and we gave into it whole heartedly, I believe we enjoyed it for different reasons.

Luke was finally able to release all the pent-up urges of his teen hormones.  One moment he would be gently caressing my body from head to toe with his lips and hands and without warning, his whole dementor would change to that of a wild animal. He would bite at my skin and whip me around, slamming his body hard against mine. I could feel his body shiver and he would let out a moan or a groan as we had full on sex.

My enjoyment in the moment was much different than Luke’s. The physical pleasures of sex were lost on me, I did not like or dislike it. What I loved, was the feeling of being close to Luke like no one else. I could feel a transfer of emotion and energy between us, I watched his pleasure through the expressions on his face and that is what made me want to continue. I would mimic his actions, whatever act he performed on me, I would return with equal fervor. I wanted Luke to believe I needed it just as much as he did.

We made love/ had sex three times that night, as he didn’t last long the first two times.  We woke late the next day, after ten o’clock. We showered together and washed each other’s bodies, grinning and laughing the whole time.

Luke’s body language seem to change after that first experience, he moved much more freely, less guarded in some way. His mother even noticed this when his family had returned from visiting his aunt’s later the following afternoon. His mother made a comment, something like, “Someone is in a good mood”. Luke didn’t denounce her observation or shy away from the conversation, just smiled and looked my way with a laugh.

When we returned to school for our senior year after that summer, David, Luke and I were all in college prep mode. All three of us were in National Honors Society. David had to study hard and make more of an effort to achieve top grades, whereas school was much easier for me. Not that I was smarter than David, I was just able to retain the information with little effort. I often insisted on helping Luke with his assignments and projects and this helped his grades as well.

Senior year flew by, I had a half day, as I had completed most of my graduation requirements by the end of junior year. I would leave school shortly after ten o’clock and had started a part time job to earn spending money once I was away at college.

Luke and I still had sleep overs every weekend, almost exclusively at my house now as our late night make out sessions had become much more passionate.  No actual sex, as we did not feel comfortable doing so, with our families in the house. I always thought it funny we would be physically intimate on Saturday nights and wake up early on Sunday morning to attend church.

Upon graduating high school, David, Luke and I had all been accepted to different colleges. David would be attending college about seven hours away from home in Maryland. Luke had earned a partial athletic scholarship playing baseball at a college in the neighboring state of Indiana, about four hours away and I would be attending university in state, a little more than two hours’ drive from home.

That summer, Luke was determined to spend as much time together as possible.  Days were spent with David and other friends, making as many memories as possible before we headed off to college and/ or adulthood.  Some nights I would stay up late with David, discussing what the future might hold, and other nights Luke would stay over, and we would make out and discuss our future together once we completed school and were able to start a life together.

Freshmen year of college was wild, I felt like I had arrived on another planet, living in a major city compared to the small rural town I had grown up in. Such a diverse group of people and cultures, I loved every minute of it. Class work required much more effort compared to high school, but I found that I was self-efficient, able to responsibility delegate my time between classes, studying and friends. I spoke with David every day on the phone and while his grades suffered a little, he did manage to make the dean’s list and to my amazement, he was becoming much more social.  He was making friends and going out to explore the new city that would be his home for the next four years.

Luke was doing well at college as well; he got along great with his teammates and the coaches had taking notice of his talent. Without me there to assist him with his schoolwork, Luke had to join a study group to maintain his grade requirement for his scholarship. At study group, Luke became good friends with a classmate of his, Emily.

This was Emily’s second year at college, and she was happy to help familiarize Luke with the campus, local hangouts, and invite him to parties other than those thrown by his teammates. They quickly became close, and Emily was the first person that Luke felt comfortable coming out to. He told her all about our relationship and how he felt the need to hide it from our entire town in fear of being rejected and disowned by his family. I believe Emily helped Luke realize that not everyone is so small minded.

After our freshmen year of college, the three of us had returned home for the summer. David had met a wonderful young lady, Chelsea and brought her home to introduce her to our father. Chelsea was hard of hearing and spoke primarily with sign language and reading lips. David and I were semi fluence in sign language, as our mother had taught us as children. Our mother was a teacher who taught exclusively deaf and hard of hearing children. My mother was fluent as her younger sister, our aunt was born deaf.

David would later marry Chelsea after they graduated college and relocated a neighboring city in Ohio. I now have one niece and two nephews’ that I adore.

Luke and I both worked during the summer, but quickly fell back into our familiar routine.  I don’t think Luke realized how much he had matured during our freshmen year of college. Luke’s and I’s relationship seem to grow deeper; he seemed more concerned about my thoughts and feelings. He wanted to know if I still felt the same way for him and what he could do to ensure we didn’t grow apart. I assured him, that I loved him just as much as ever and the distant had made me appreciate our connection even more.

In early August, Luke and I had taken a week off from work to go camping with David and our fathers.  The four of them would go small game hunting during the day, a sport I refused to participate in, as I would/ could not bring myself to harm another living creature.

One night after everyone had gone to sleep, Luke and I snuck out of our tents along with a sleeping bag and made our way down to the nearby river. We stayed up most of the night talking about our individual college experiences, our feelings for one another and ideas of what our future might hold. We wound up falling asleep for maybe an hour shortly before sun rise, snuggled up together in the single sleeping bag. We woke and headed back to camp early, so our families would not grow suspicious.

Upon returning to college for our sophomore year, things were like the previous school year. I spoke with David and Luke daily, while attending classes and expanding my social circle.

Luke had informed me that his close friend Emily was having a rough time, as she had broken up with her boyfriend over the summer. They had met and started dating her freshman year. Apparently, the guy had been friendly, charming and outgoing during their freshmen year, but his personality had radically changed when they return for their junior year. The sweet funny guy she had falling for, had become unpredictable with drastic mood swings, he was paranoid, often accusing her of talking about him behind his back or accusing her of trying to harm him. He would stay up all night and go days without sleeping. She had tried to help him and assure him that none of his accusations were true, but his outburst had become violent. He had not physically harmed her, so the school authorities said they could do no more than warn him to keep his distant from her.

On a Thursday evening Luke called me and informed me he would be staying the night with Emily in her dorm room due to her ex had called making violent threats. Emily’s dormmate choose to stay with another friend as she did not feel safe, as she had witnessed the ex’s previous outburst.

Emily snuck Luke into her dorm room from a back entrance of the building while a couple other girls on her wing distracted the RA in the common area. Emily slept in her dormmates bed, while Luke slept in her bed.

The next morning, I was in class shortly after eleven o’clock, when my cell phone rang three times back-to-back, I recognized the number as Luke’s home phone. This struck me as odd, and I was concerned that Luke’s parents may be calling because something had happened to my father.

I gathered up my books and backpack and quickly made my way out of class as quietly as possible. Once outside and away from the lecture hall I called the number back.

Luke’s mother Sandra immediately picked up, she was sobbing into the phone, and I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I was panicking at this point and asked if something had happened to my dad. Sandra continued to sob for another minute until the call was disconnected. I immediately called back and this time Mike, Luke’s father answered the phone. He too sounded emotional, but was able to communicate, so I could understand.

Mike informed me that he and Sandra had received a phone call shortly after five that morning waking them. The call was from police officers in Indiana stating that Luke had been violently assaulted in the middle of the night and taking to the local hospital in critical condition. Luke’s parents immediately jumped out of bed and made the four-hour drive to the hospital.  Officers were waiting at the hospital to escort Mike and Sandra up to the waiting room where doctors were working to stabilize Luke. Mike paused and let out a momentary sob before finishing. They were not waiting long, before a doctor stepped out and informed them that despite their best efforts, they were not able to save Luke, he had succumbed to his injuries at 9:06am.

As the words passed through the phone, I felt like I was being struck by a mac truck. All the air escaped my lungs, and I fell to my knees. I opened my mouth, but no words would come out, no tears came to my eyes, I wasn’t able to even form a coherent thought in my mind, I was in total shock.

My life long best friend, my boyfriend, the guy I thought I would share the rest of my life with was taken from his world. Slowly his features began to flash through my mind, his beautiful green eyes that would light up with such excitement, gone. His almost perfect smile, with one slightly crooked tooth that I always thought made him more charming looking, gone, his spirited laugh that caused tingles of joy through me, gone.

I don’t know exactly how much time had passed, but eventually a friend making his way between classes seen me hunched over on the ground and came running over to check on me. Still unable to speak, he gathered me up in his arms and walked me to my dorm. My RA guided us to my dorm room where they both sat with me, repeatedly asking if I was okay.

Eventually a wave of emotion came over me, tears began to stream down my face, and I was able to explain to my friends why I was in such a state. I felt guilty for putting this on these two guys who were clearly out of their depth but did their best to console me and ensure me that everything would be okay, as if. After more than thirty-minutes of pats on the back and concerned looks passed between the two of them, I assured them I had regain my composure, apologized for taking up their time and sent them on their way.

I called and informed both David and then my dad and made arrangements with the school to be away for a few days. I was unable to sleep that night, every time I closed my eyes, random memories of our lives together, memories that had long been dormant would pop into mind.

That first day of head start, when I approached Luke, his hands covered with green playdough and asked if I could play too. He rolled the dough between his fingers and placed it above my upper lip, laughing at how silly I looked with a mustache. The second-grade field trip to the zoo, Luke was enamored with the elephants, his eyes wide with wonder. He bought me a small stuff tree frog in the gift shop, as frogs were my favorite animal at the time. Middle school, all the neighbor kids playing football out behind our houses. David and Luke falling to the ground laughing, after by some miracle I caught the ball and ran into the wrong end zone. High school, getting dressed for prom together in his bedroom, discussing how he wished we were attending prom together, instead of bringing female friends from school. The loud shouts echoing through my house, as Luke jumped around my bedroom after opening his scholarship confirmation letter to university. My pillow was soaked with tears that I tried to muffle, so as not to disturb my dormmates sleep.

I packed a bag and was on the road shortly before seven the following morning. The two-hour drive seem to take forever, random songs on the radio would stir emotions a long with more memories. Halfway through the drive, the Ohio fall sky turned dark with gray storm clouds gathered above. A light steady rain fell, I turned off the radio and drove the rest of the way home with only the sound of the rain drops tapping the top of the car.

When I arrived home, I pulled up into the driveway, put the car into park and just sat there behind the wheel staring at Luke’s house two doors down. The porch light had been left on, it’s light resembling that of a star due to the rain and reflections of my windshield.

I just sat there in my car until my father walked up, knocking on the glass of my driver’s side door. I could see the emotions on his face, sadness and concern as I stepped out of the car. He followed me up the drive and into the house, his hand on my back, his way of comforting me.

It was another day before I received the details of Luke’s death from his sister Becca. That night after Luke and Emily had fallen to sleep, her ex-boyfriend had scaled up the side of the residential hall to the second floor and into the window of Emily’s dorm room, the window had been left open due to the usually warm autumn temperatures and the old building’s lack of air conditioning. Once inside the ex-boyfriend had stood over Emily’s bed, thinking the body under the sheets was her in the dark unlit room. He pulled out a large hunting knife and began stabbing at the form in a hysterical rage, sixteen times he drove the knife into Luke’s body, mostly piercing his chest and abdomen, there were cuts to Luke’s hands and arms, defensive wounds as he had fought back his attacker and successful retrieved the weapon before falling unconscious from the blood lost. Emily had been awakened during the struggle, screaming at the horror before her, she would eventful help fight her ex off. Deprived of his weapon, the attacker immediately gave up and escaped down the hall and out into the dark campus grounds.

Nine days Luke’s family had to wait to lay him to rest due to the police’s murder investigation. Nine days I had to watch them suffering in their grief, my grief made worst in the fact that I could not share the true nature of our relationship, how much Luke truly meant to me. To his parents my tears were those of a lifelong friend, not his boyfriend, his lover, the boy he had intended to build a life with. I did not keep the truth hidden for my sake, but theirs. I loved Luke’s parent like family and did not want to add undue stress during the most difficult time of their lives. They thought so highly of Luke, and I did not want to warp their memories of him, not when it was all we had left.

The police had caught Luke’s killer the same day as the attack, only a couple hours after the murder. Luke’s killer never stood trail, as it was quickly determined he was mentally unfit.  Luke’s killer had been diagnosed with schizophrenia during his mid-teens, however he had been able to successfully manage it with the help of a psychiatrist and medication. After his sophomore year of college, he had chosen to wean himself off his medications, thinking he could manage his condition without them.  Without his medication, it did not take long for the symptoms of his illness to surface. He began to isolate himself, became anxious and hostile. Delusional, such as hearing disembodied voices or memories of events that had never taken place. All of this would lead to the murder, as he believed Emily had been possessed by a devil determined to harm him and killing her was the only way to save her soul.

I never gave much thought to Luke’s killer; my attention was consumed by Luke’s absence. After I returned to college, there would be days when something would happen and I would immediately think, “I will have to call Luke and tell him all about it.”, just to be struck with a hollowing sadness at the realization that he is no longer a phone call away at school himself. At night, memories of our childhood would regularly come in the form of dreams. In the first moment of waking, I would feel such joy and love and those emotions would quickly be replaced with sadness and anger as I realized my alarm clock had pulled me awake.

This did affect my grades during my sophomore year, but I was able to course correct my junior year with the help of a school therapist.

During fall break my senior year of college, I had returned home for Thanksgiving. We spend the holiday at my maternal grandparents for an early dinner and had returned home by five o’clock. The sky was gray and cloudy as I stepped out onto our back patio. As I looked over towards Luke’s house, I noticed his little sister Becca, now a freshman in college herself, sitting on the old wooden swing set our dads had built when we were kids. Becca waved and called me over. I noticed how much Becca, and Luke looked alike as I walked over and sat down beside her.  I asked about school and her Thanksgiving; she mentioned her family had all come over and were still inside.

Becca was the first to mention Luke and we sat there in those swings for over an hour laughing with tears in our eyes as we recalled individual and shared memories of her amazing brother. At one point she mentioned that she had very few memories of Luke that did not include me, she then became quiet for a moment and let out a sigh just like her brother Luke would. She looked at me and asked, “You and Luke were more than just friends., weren’t you?” The question caught me off guard, it was a shock to realize that Becca, who I still thought of as the silly little blond, pigged tailed preteen had been aware of the deeper connection between Luke and me. I looked Becca in the eye and simply said, “yes”. I didn’t feel the need to elaborate any further. Becca looked over at me with tears in her eyes and a smile from ear to ear. She did not say anything further about the matter and invited me inside to say hello to the family visiting for the holiday.

Luke’s death changed the direction of my life, as I mention at the beginning of this post, I am a people person, I love people and after his passing and working through the loss of Luke and my mother, I realized that I too wanted to help people struggling with lost and stuck in their grief. I end up continuing my education after four years and became a therapist specializing in grief. I am so grateful for Luke and the time we had together and when I think back now, years later, I am filled with warm, positive emotions because he is a part of me.

I apologize for the length of this post, I hope you enjoyed reading it and if you take anything away from my experience, I would like it to be this. Love is out there in the world; it often looks different from what we have imagined and may not last as long as we would hope. That makes it no less meaningful, allow love to direct you and it can guide you to the person you are meant to be.