Long weekend

I’m exhausted.  This weekend was our annual fundraiser dinner – the ninth one (with a 3 year Covid break.)  It was a successful evening.  Set up and clean up went smoothly, the dinner was delicious, and the show was amazing as usual.  I think I am getting better and avoiding overwhelm with planning and executing these events.  I suppose it is because I have learned a lot over the years on how to ask for help and take care of myself. Taking Friday off to prep and Monday off to recover has been a game changer.  The weather was only slightly uncooperative with it’s near 100 degree heat.  But I’ve also learned to set reminders to drink water, and keep everyone else doing the same.  I am truly grateful for my friends for helping me put this on each year.  Between Joe’s fabulous cooking, and those who give up their weekend to set up tents, tables & chairs and a TON of fairly lights, I couldn’t ask for more.  It is days like today that I wish I had some form of hot tub… My back and legs and feet are killing me! Putting this event on in my early 30s sure was easier on my body!

Its hard to believe it is October already. Only a few more months left in 2024. Soon it will be 20 years that Dan and I have been together.  Not sure where the year will take us.  I’m hoping that we are able to find our way back from where we are… I miss being able to talk and laugh and be together.  Re-reading the self I was when we got together has reminded me how things were – how they could be.  I need (we need) to get away from this all or nothing thinking – that because things are not great now, they have never been great.  We both have difficulty with communication, and his memory has always been shoddy, which doesn’t help things.  I do think I need to remember who I am, not the me I contort myself into to be with a partner.  I need to continue to work through the trauma and fears I have from Tim – that love will eventually leave and I am somehow not worthy of love if I am not the perfect partner.