Brutal Honesty

Dear Whoever,

I don’t know you and most likely you would never know who I am.   Yet, here I am.  Middle age male who is grasping at hope after a horrible tragedy of a destroyed relationship.

Despite having a handful of pretty good friends, post divorce is still a painful loneliness.   How do you go from living and loving the same person for 33+ years to being completely alone!?  Sure, my friends are supportive.  My brother is awesome as he is literally the ONLY family member who does offer positivity and constant communication.   Thank god for that.   The rest of my ‘family’?   That whole family thing is complete bullshit!   My in laws never once attempted to contact me before, during or after divorce.   These were hard core CHRISTIANS!   The typical all talk, no walk!  My adult kids?   Vanished!  I mean, they just would never talk to me again I’d bet if I didn’t try to reach out to them.   AND, even now, my youngest daughter can’t be bothered to text me back.   I can be assured, the ex and certain other ‘children’ have continued to spoil the pot with psychobabble.

My ex pretty much told me not to contact her with anything but requests for scheduling visits with my adult children.   She is all too happy to reach out for anything money related or anything she feels she is being cheated out of though.   How does a smart adult female with all grown children and one mildly impeded beautiful adult girl demand a I pay $4,000 a month until I retire or die.  Which ever comes first.   Think we all know what comes first.  I have no plans on retirement.  The former, I doubt I have too many years ahead do to deep depression and no will to fix that.   Who would?   She could make plenty of money!  Instead, she works a few hours a day and lives off Alimony and Childsupport.   Not to mention, she can get all sorts of other ‘peck me to death’ money via an agreement I signed into on count I am stupid.   I loved her so much, that even during the divorce all I could think of was making sure she was okay.   What a fool I am.   A female will take everything they can from you and not think twice about how you will continue on in life or even if you do continue on!   Shit, I had to have a life insurance policy just incase I die, she still get’s paid!  WTF?    Just how spiteful and evil are females???   I loved this person with every bit of my existence and this is the return of hate I get! No drugs.  No cheating.   No abuse!  (well, they think I was abusive on count of spanking kids when they were young, or passive aggressive comments… best put me in jail).  No to mention shit that was decades back being brought up to further jab knives into my side.

The women and family you literally gave everything to,  couldn’t even be bothered to love you enough to help you through a tough time!  Instead, you are told GO FIX IT.  Which, if being honest, that is what the therapy craze is!  My wife was proud to put the needs of adult kids, their spouses WAY ahead of her husbands!   It was a trend for sure.   She broke me.   To have only one women in your life, and I MEAN ONE WOMEN as in never cheated, never had a relationship with any other person except her, and then divorce?   Yes, takes two to break things apart, but it only took one to make it clear she was done with me, and I had no place in her life unless I was going to put adult kids first in my life!   Well, she was first.   As it should be in a marriage.   In the 21st century, marriage just means all males are enslaved to females until they die.   Suffer in marriage or after.  Best not to get marriage or even date for fear of being destroyed.   What looks like love might just be the tool being used to rape you of everything you have.

Why am I really here?

The real point of being on open diary?   I need to vent.   Not sure there’s much point.   However, somehow sharing in public feels better than writing in a book I’ll never read again, or anyone will ever see.   You may think the Brutal Honesty was the story above.   It’s not.   The honesty is that I believe in Love.  I believe in Hope.   I believe I got a really bad deal in life backed by some hard facts to prove my point.   Yes, I said things I wish I didn’t, but to just have a marriage blow up over, what exactly?   I’ll never really know the depths of my formal love’s mind and heart.   What I do now is, I need to get back on my feet before I end up 6 feet under.   I try so hard to forget my old buddy.  I do.   However, the memories haunt me.  Not the bad ones, all the amazing and delightful GOOD things!   Her smile, laugh, beautiful eyes, hair, and her lovely spirit.   Where the F did all that go!?    All I know is, it died and a giant part of me has died with it.

I hope God will send me a true love next round.   Not one who is just waiting to take everything I worked for as my reward for loyalty, honesty, endless love, endless work, endless sacrifice.   Anyway…    That’s where I’m at tonight.   Alone in a ‘new to me’ house in a new to me state and a new to me life.  Do I hope for death or do I hope for a better life and hang on by a thread until and if things look up.   Guess we’ll see.

Hey, if you know of any ideas on how to find love in life again, all ears.   They say you have to love yourself first, before you can find love.   I loved myself for my love of my wife and companion and the beautiful children we made together.   That’s when I loved the pain, struggles, failures, and successes.  It was all because of my life long LOVE.  I can’t have all that ever again.   I do hope though, someone will fall in love with me for who I am and not give a damn about money, stuff, or what I can buy or do for them!  I hope there’s such a person who would just be happy to spend time together.  I hope there’s someone who has done okay for themselves and enjoy their independence, but also want to share their love with me as I would want to with them.   Not sure my ex ever loved me honestly.   Certainly, not the level of love I had for her.   After all, she didn’t come after me all those years ago.   I courted her, and fell in love with her.  I’m sure I was in love with her a long time before she loved me.   If she ever did truly fall in love with me.   Who knows.   There I go again.    Time to move on.   Need some help with that.

Have a nice evening and if you made it through all my horrible spelling, typing and grammar errors, thanks!  You already are showing more care and patience than my ex.   🙂

Yours,

ME