Husband is in icu

I just done a whole pour my heart out entry on this, and I can’t mentally do it again. My husband had a seizure yesterday and is in the ICU since last night, my kids a trashing my house I spent the day cleaning to keep me occupied, and I am struggling to keep my anxiety under control.

Ive begged friends and family to come help me, but as usual when I need help no one is anywhere to be found. I really am alone. I keep being told oh but you have all those kids to keep you occupied. But who can deal with kids tearing apart a whole house and trying to kill each other while they’re trying to breathe through anxiety and panic attacks? All its doing is keeping my stress levels heightened.

How can I do this by myself with my fucked up mental state the way that it is.

I just want my husband, I need him here to rub my legs arms and neck to help keep me grounded and making it easier for me to push through the darkness.

its hard to sit with him where he is cos its on the top level of the hospital and I freaked out today sitting next to him cos of the view out the window was too far for me. I had never been all the way to the top level above emergency before, I freak out going to the 1st floor. I just wanted to crawl through the hospital today once I realised I had to go up there, I almost collapsed with the idea of going back down in the elevator again. But I did it and I survived.

Fuck my phobias, I want to be normal again……