I almost Made it 3 Whole Weeks

almost 3 weeks since my last anxiety attack, and it was a doozy. The last few days has seen me listening to Meditation constantly again, finding ways to ground myself, and releasing energetic build ups by crying when I feel the need.

Wednesday I had an attack in front of my 9 year old while waiting for our Dr appointments, so they were rushed through so I could get out of the surgery and away from the people in the waiting room as fast as possible. I felt like shit when the attack happened in front of my son, I really try my best to try not to go full anxiety mode in front of my kids, especially as they all have their own mental health and behavioural issues to deal with.

I find I can’t listen to the tapping with my EMDR anymore, I have to be listening to guided meditation for body scanning and gratitude to help get me through the attacks.

Ive got 3 days to find where I’ve put my birth certificate for my oldest son so he can get his passport to go to Japan in December with his UNI friends, and I don’t want to be the reason he misses out. He can’t use his fathers birth certificate as its in Malay not English because his dad has only been an Australian citizen for the last 40 years. I need to find it anyway as I have to get my 14 yr old her passport so she can go to Japan next year at Easter with her school.. This is so stressful because I have literally turned my house upside down looking for it, and now I need to clean it all back up…

Bonus is I found my 11 year old Aboriginal confirmation documents that have been missing for 11 months, just now I can’t find my own… This is bullshit…

My husband’s twin left with his daughter on Monday after we kicked him out and because she had been in my full care for the last 22 months everywhere keeps messaging me because she isn’t going to school anymore since he took her back. I couldn’t stop him for 1 she isn’t my child and 2 she was only with me until he got his shit together, which he clearly hasn’t because he is still heavily smoking weed and won’t get out of his own way to save his life.

He literally freeloaded off us for the past 11 months, not helping with any house work or yard work, not helping raise his daughter and not helping with food or bills or anything else.

I ended up in severe credit card debt because of him, now my husband (his twin) is $4000 in debt with his credit card and lost his job and neither of our cars work because all of our money was supplying extra food and drugs to his brother…. Now iam being told he’s been walking around the city at all hrs of the day and night dragging his own daughter around with him to drug dealers houses again… It won’t be long before he starts pawning the stuff we brought her while she lived with us so he can smoke his hole out until he makes himself sick…..

He will be hitting us up for money again when he’s done that and I won’t be helping him anymore, especially when the only reason we both kicked him out was because he was swearing at me and calling me names, and I won’t be putting up with that shit from anyone anymore…

I do miss seeing my niece everyday even though she used to scream in my face over stupid shit like if I said no to her having 3rd and 4th helpings of food, or if I asked the kids to all clean up their messes…. It was getting too much, now after 3 years of having 1 of my brothers in law around constantly, we have to get used to it being just my husband, me and the 5 kids 24/7 and its very quiet.

We may end up with my husbands youngest brother staying with us for a while again yet, it all depends on what the drug and alcohol court decides when he goes back to court. Because he has to have a place to stay in Dubbo to go to his appointments and probation and parole, they won’t release him from jail into his girlfriends care because she lives out of town and she won’t move herself or her kids here for that.

If they don’t let him, then he will be in Jail until 2026. He was told that if he fucked up again then he’d have to do his full sentence because they let him out too many times in the past. It literally was his last chance to turn his life around from drugs and stealing…

Anyway that’s all iam going to write for now, so much has been going on and ive managed as well as I could for the last 3 weeks, the anxiety was bound to pop up again sooner or later, and iam glad I got through almost 3 full weeks. It shows that what iam doing medication free, is actually working, this is just a little bump in the road to me getting better with my mental health…