Gamer Boy

Let’s take a lighter approach to things and delve into the character of the Gamer. Funny how many years later he is the one thing that I still can smile about, I can get a little heart flutter….

As I briefly mentioned in his intro, he was my significant others friend. They were racing/gamer friends. They would hang out for hours, we hung out as couples. It was a happy nice little thing. Pretty straightforward and basic.

Before you think damn she is a homewrecker….this was years into our relationship. This was mutual. MUTUAL. Not saying it makes it right. Not saying it makes it OK. Just saying that we were two consenting adults, cheating on our spouses. We were 100% the wrong parties. No blame, no fault, no justification. I was wrong. I should have asked for the relationship to be over, I should have asked to be allowed to see other people. I was not having my needs met-but that does not excuse the way I went about having them met.

Our relationship was purely emotional. As I said emotional relationship are way more dangerous than physical. (In my opinion) We spent hours e-mailing, texting, and talking on the phone. We exchanged poems, we exchanged song playlists, we shared our deepest desires. I have probably been the most vulnerable with him. He was easy. It was like having sex. His words could make me orgasm. He filled me in ways I had never been….

But he was married. I was committed to significant other. Did we always say we would leave and be together. Yes. Was that ever going to happen. No. We both knew this. But we played into the fantasy. It made the intimacy and tension more. We talked about integrating our children and being a happy blended family.

This affair lasted maybe a year…I don’t know. I know it “ended” the first time because I was caught. Significant other installed a keylogger on the family computer that we shared. I don’t remember if he found out through my e-mails or reading entries on my previous opendiary…..But he found out. He cut ties completely with the Gamer and demanded that it was over. He forbid it. As one does; it “ended”. We straggled for months following…

E-mails continued….texting continued…..we couldn’t say goodbye. We were in love. Maybe? I don’t even know. It was a relationship built on a foundation of secrets. I know that I loved him in that moment. I craved him. I know in those moments he loved me. I didn’t doubt that. It wasn’t healthy. Obviously for my relationship but also for me. I was living a false hope. He made me feel good. He built me up. He filled the areas that I was needing.

Sexually I was good. Emotionally I was empty.

I said we straggled….we did. We continued without shame. Without thinking. We got caught. Only this time my partner and I were trying for a baby. One afternoon we were having sex because I was ovulating and it was a nooner…..he began kissing the back of my knees and I was close to climaxing when he stopped and said “Is this how Gamer does it”…..

He had read our e-mails. I said we were never physical. We weren’t. There were sexual e-mails, texting, and phone calls. Mostly through written word. Which I apologize fully for saying; having someone take the time to express sexually their need and desire for you in written word is the best turn on. He was magical with his words. I was able to envision every part of him. His hands caressing me, his lips intertwined with mine. Sweating bodies tossing amongst dampened sheets…I ended it that night. Against everything my body wanted. I said no more.

Maybe an e-mail or DM here and there over the years; last I can confirm was 7/8 years ago when his wife died. But that was the hardest thing I have walked away from.

Do I carry regrets….A lot actually. I wonder what would have happened if we had become intimate. We had arranged multiple times to meet up. But I always backed out. I couldn’t go through with it. I could tease, I could please, but I couldn’t finish. We never met up. I made up excuse after excuse. Now I wonder. Was he the complete package? I wish I would have fucked his brains out. Being emotionally intune creates a bond. It enhances sex. It enhances the intimacy. The closeness. I wonder what he tastes like. Is he sweet…..So many things all these years later.

But also a mistake. People were hurt-my significant other; maybe not. He too liked his “gamers”……..but his wife. I do not know if she ever knew or cared?

Gamer won’t be in the story after this. His purpose was my admittance to not being perfect. Owning the fact that I took had an affair and possibly a deeper one then physical.

While he creeps in my thoughts…my panties he does not…