C’est Fini

This entry begins the healing and unraveling of a 20 year “marriage”-but as I reflect, it wasn’t a marriage, it wasn’t a partnership; those require give and take, love and respect, sacrifice, forgiveness, grace….it was a dumpster waiting to combust and catch fire.

•Key Players You’re Gonna Wanna Know (and choose to hate or love)•

Significant other/SO– Essentially the hero or villain of this chapter. My boyfriend of 20 years. We are not married. We have never been married. We will never marry. I say he is either the hero or villain, as it depends on how you read the situation. How it relates to you. How emotionally involved you become. I am merely expressing the version of events from my point of view. Why the “disclaimer”-I honestly have my diary linked in my professional bio; in hopes that one day I will be published. This is not necessarily a private diary. I offer it open to anyone I cross paths with-in hopes it stumbles into the write hands. Words are power.

My Ex– He is the father of my oldest. He was my first serious relationship. I was 19, a freshman in college. He was (is) abusive. Not only verbally but physically. I became familiar with the local police, state police (1x) and sheriffs. Along with re-canting, and lying. In my opinion; he is the one that broken me. My mind has tricked me into thinking that he is the one that validated every insecurity I ever had. The opener of Pandora’s box. The power he still holds. He is absolutely the villain.

Gamer– My emotional affair. Yes- I will bold it to clarify; MY affair. I sit here pausing as I type deciding, am I the villainess or hero in this scenario….my heart says villainess, my head is saying “hero”, justifying of course. So this will be you the readers decision. Love me or hate me let my words decide for you. I find myself pausing…words are hard…is he the villain or hero- this depends on how you entwined you become…He was my significant others best friend. Long time best friend. He was married. He had children. It was never physical. NEVER EVER. It was emotional. Probably worse than physical. Physicality can be replaced with another. Emotional; that stays, that haunts…

There are more, but they are tiny, just passing moments, that quite possibly lead up to these. When proofreading I notice each of these interactions is a 3-some; a love triangle. Where I revolve the center. So again; am I the villainess or hero of my own destiny?

The purpose of this chapter is healing. In this moment I am a walking ball of emotions and I am trying to silence the actions that rear major consequences. I’ve matured over the years. I previously would react, now I stew, I think, I reflect- probably to his disadvantage. I feel the need to write, I feel the need get everything out immediately like a viral stomach virus.