Still Stuck In That Rut

Today was yet another day of futility, busting at the proverbial seams with a lack of motivation.  I’m just going through the motions at this point.  I have effectively stopped caring.  In some way, I wander aimlessly.  I don’t know where I am going and I don’t care if I ever get there.

In general, work sucked again today.  I stayed in my cubicle for the majority of the day.  If I got up, it was to go to the restroom or to physically leave the office.  I put my headphones on and decided to get lost in the sounds of my music.  Thankfully, those headphones are good enough to drown out every last bit of ambient sound around me and I needed it today.  The conversations that always seem to take place around my cubicle are typically worthless and full of varied nonsense.  People are talking, yet none of them are saying anything with their meaningless drivel.  It is all sound and nothing that I needed to hear.

Today was the first day of whatever the hell Serena and I have become.  It’s definitely a far cry from what we once were.  While I don’t like it, I’m not in the mood to get upset about it.  Besides, getting upset does nothing for me.  I’ve gotten upset way too many times and nothing changes.  This is just another case in the world of learned helplessness.  I understand that she spent much of the day with that lousy intern, the one that Kim dumped on me weeks ago.  That intern is worthless and has the personality of a grapefruit.

You know that phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind”?  That’s pretty much where I am right now.  I’ve been relegated to being an afterthought.  This doesn’t bother me because I’ve been in this role many times before.  Funny enough, you’d think I’d be used to it, but once again, here I am.

I find comfort in being able to write all of this down and express myself in this way.  I don’t have many people I can talk to, so this here journal has become a source of comfort and peace for me.  I don’t want to say that I run to this journal whenever I’m down or have something to say, but it seems that lately, I’ve been doing a lot more figurative running.  Sure, I can keep all of this “stuff” inside and let it fester and rest assured, there have been many days where I’ve done just that.

I don’t know what gives now, but like I said earlier, here I am.

I again don’t look forward to tomorrow.  I’ll be a zombie, just going through the motions, while not caring about a damn thing.  Maybe I’ll shake this funk soon, but in the meantime, I don’t know what I’m doing and truthfully, I don’t care anymore.