Changes

I resisted the urge to read my past entries or use the restore button to see my last entry that I never published…..

I smoked this morning……a while ago. I drank almost a gallon of water today. I want to take a laxative but I don’t want to have stomach cramps in the morning and poop at school….so I guess I might let poop sit in me overnight….still deciding.

i complained to Shervy earlier. He revealed to me that he’s made $18k so far in crypto. I spent $30 today on a waist trainer and $10 on castor oil to put in my belly button at night. I want to do what I can to have a small waist.

I am still deciding on what to do about my addiction. A part of me wants to still smoke and the other part of me wants to quit because of the money spent and my lips looking dark. And it makes me bloated too. I figure…stop for ten days to enjoy getting “super high” later….but I honestly don’t know.

I think it’s just time for me to accept that I’m a chronic weed smoker. I smoked 7 blunts since Friday 5pm. That’s basically 2-3 blunts a day…unless if I’m at the studio, then it’s a minimum of 2-4 blunts. I’m just going to still smoke so when I meet snoop dogg, he won’t see me as a “light weight”. The real control is to not eat afterwards….i always eat afterwards…sometimes I can’t stop. Today I was able to stop because it felt like today went by fast.

I woke up around 5am, checked on the old lady, then I started to get myself ready with a bath. Then at 7:50am, my employer, Mr. Harry, came to check on me. I guess he wanted to make sure I do my job correctly. Luckily, I had made sure to give Mrs. smith her morning meds as well as breakfast…before he arrived.

once he heard that meds/breakfast was already served, he just left and then returned at 1pm to see if I was still doing my job. Other than sleeping in a house/bed that is not my own, and mr. Harry showing up at any given hour, and Mrs. Smith plethora of guests…this job is pretty sweet!!

I just got a really good job today I think. It pays the same as my daytime job but it’s only three hours long instead of 8…and I get $70 instead of $96. I start after I return from my Atlanta trip, which is perfect because it gives me time to focus on my glow up.

My main concern is getting ready for my next song release and my upcoming live performance. Then once that is accomplished…I need to figure out a way to take vocal lessons or acting lessons every other Friday or Saturday. Im determined to not give up but to get better.

i always told God in the past that I want to be undeniably good. I want people to be amazed at my abilities. I want to be paid top dollar for my abilities…like Leonardo DiCaprio. When he played autistic in that one movie. Or when Tom Hanks played “on the spectrum” in forest gump, my thoughts were: I want to totally transform behind a character like they do!

I am having issues with memorization though. Its a problem for me. I wonder if weed is harming my ability to memorize or is it because im not used to reading… sad to admit. That’s why I think getting into classes will help.

I also been thinking about “the voice”…. I have not begun preparing for it yet. I must memoize/perform 3 songs for my audition but I never even started yet… but at least I picked out at least 8 songs that I want to focus on for the show.

right now, I’m in bed with an led mask on. I’m thinking about life. I’m 40, working 2 jobs… about to be 3. I’m actually working this Tuesday …6:30-10pm. Which means I’ll sleep from 11-7am…then go straight to work in order to be on time.

im just trying to make as much money as possible. I want to do whatever it takes to be really good. After going all the way to Atlanta for my acting audition, I realized that there is a bitch better than me who got the role. Which means, I gotta work harder…get my body tighter, make sure my skin is flawless, and my acting/singing IMPECCABLE, EXQUISITE, UNMATCHED. I may want all these attributes but they will not come if I don’t exercise, get 8 hours of sleep and take classes in singing and acting to always be on my “A” game….so that’s why im about to have three muthafucking jobs…

I haven’t spoken to my parents in a week. My mom is on some weirdo crazy shit and my dad is in his feelings and too prideful to admit he’s wrong. It all started when they showed up to my job/workplace (at the old lady’s house) unexpectedly and expected me to come outside….i didn’t come outside so my mom and dad were furious and they haven’t been the same with me since.

i don’t care though. They are getting old and I want to be there for them but they look at me like I’m living a terrible, sinful life….cus why else God hasn’t answered my prayers yet?… I feel it’s best to distance myself because I don’t really have a family anyways.

my brother is non existent in my life. My brother in law stopped being close to me and started insulting my height all the time so I distanced myself from his big, fat ass. My sister…I really don’t know what to say about her. She recently sent me $50 in the past month. “Just cause” she will say. I accepted it because she never gives me money (like ever in life until now) and it’s not like she can repay me for never being a sister so I just accept it and say thank you. I try not to think about it because it’s only spare change that she’s sending my way anyways.

as far as my sister in law, that poor woman just follows what my brother says. She listens to him probably saying: “don’t waste your time getting to know her…”

I hate my family. I know I said I love my parents but I hate my family. It’s dysfunctional. Nothing in my family is good…it’s all sad and anxious and backstabbing and fake. I am going to miss my parents when they pass away but if my brother or sister died…I would not mourn whatsoever. They were just strangers in the house and strangers at family gatherings. I don’t even like my extended family because I don’t know them well enough because our entire family is dysfunctional.

i know I truly don’t mean that I hate my family and the things I said about my siblings either…but I truly feel all alone.

there’s a lot of sadness inside of me. It is because I lost hope. I don’t believe God is there. I believe sickness is brought on by stress and worry and sadness and if weed reduces that for me then fuck it. And if God won’t let my dreams come true because I won’t sacrifice weed for my career, then that’s just really messed up.

i looked at a video where I quit smoking for a little bit…no difference. I don’t think I look amazingly different. I just need to make sure I do the things to counteract the damage. Like have carrots sticks and salads around when I get the munchies. Only eat 3 meals and two snacks a day, along with a gallon of water. And work out twice a week…just those changes alone will improve my life immensely.

i just hate my life right now. So what now? Should I move through this life still fighting for my dreams? What about God? How do I get Him to help me? And more importantly, how can I obtain a close relationship with Him and know He does exist?

I just told the old lady goodnight. I won’t see her for the next 2 weeks…I want her to remember me as a person who cared for her.

I wasn’t so nice to her last night. She kept asking to take her home. After going from the kitchen to the bedroom three different times, I got frustrated and closed my bedroom door until she realized I was not going to entertain her dementia.

i know that sounds harsh but what was I supposed to do? Allow her to keep me up for hours as she wanders all over her house looking for something or someplace that does not exist?

the old lady is getting worse with dementia. She remembers but not all the way. She still doesn’t know my name. She recognizes me but doesn’t know my name. I never sang for her yet…I will the next time I see her, God willing.

what does God want from me, huh? I’m not sure. Am I paying off all the sins from my past?…I thought Jesus died already on the cross for my sins?…God must be waiting on something…who knows.

I really miss talking to my parents but my mom is so negative and my dad always talk to me in a really depressing way. Besides, I feel some type of way how they KNOW my brother and sister treat me like a non family member but do nothing or say nothing about it. It is what it is.

i remember i wrote an entry saying I wouldn’t complain about Jay or my siblings anymore…but it resurfaces still. The only way i can do better is to be better. Look better so i will feel better.

so with that being said, i better get some rest now so i will be rested for tomorrow. I may go to the gym in the morning. Who knows. I’m not sure. I just know that I need to change or switch something up. My life feels like a mixture of anxiety, uncertainty, sadness, anger, and restlessness. It’s sucks.

meanwhile, I’m doing better at my job. I am showing up on time and doing well with Anabel. And with my weekend job, I feel good about it too. Even though I hate being at someone else’s house, it’s nice getting two major chores done each time I’m here which are: cleaning/folding clothes & washing/drying my hair. It’s a great way to feel “ready” for the following work week.

i have my clothes already laid out for work tomorrow and i could even wear the outfit im wearing now to the gym tomorrow….yep, i said the gym. I’m thinking about going. I have to wake up at 5:30am anyways…be out the door by 6am and then be at the gym by 7…work out for 30 min then leave at 7:45am to be at work for 8am….i don’t know…let’s see what happens…I doubt I’ll go though….

anyways, baby steps…let’s start with only two snacks tomorrow, three meals, and a gallon of water. That is something I can try to have control over.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I feel like writing this is pointless. There are children being starved and women being raped all over the world at this very moment…how on earth could you possibly hear me? Maybe that was a bit dramatic to say but it’s true…Israel is struggling as we speak and people are being treated like the holocaust all over again. I dont understand the killings…especially in Israel of all places. How am I supposed to ask you for anything when there is so much going on all over the world? Help me figure out this life. I know I’m blessed to have a job and a new car. I’m blessed to have a one bedroom apartment and I’m blessed for my family as well. I want to be grateful for where I am but I’m not content where I am. I’m unhappy with my place because it needs help with the walls, dishwasher, water temperature, filth/waste in the area, etc. plus my ultilities is super expensive. And I want to be happy with my job but …well, I’m on my feet the entire time and I feel old & haggard from going there 5 days a week & all day….I need to stretch and weigh less. We all have choices. My choices have been to make money honestly and work hard…will it pay off? Please help me. Amen