Wednesday, September 4, 2024

Woke up to my husband getting dressed and ready for work around 5:45, he left with my mother-in-law around 6:30 for work.  She went with him to do her laundry, shower, and a little grocery shopping.  I was suppose to go with, but I didn’t feel like spending the entire day with her.  I know that sounds awful…but she’s really too much.  I worry about the state of her mental health as she gets older…she’s not anywhere in as good of shape as my father-in-law who’s out riding motorcycles and snowmobiles all year at 76,  she’s just turning 69.

I stayed in bed until around 9, not really sleeping, but not ready to get up…it’s chilly here and I really didn’t feel for that right away.  I came downstairs and made a fire, we are running low on wood though, so my options were pretty limited and it’s already dying down.  So now I’m here with a big cup of coffee in the silence with my dog, writing.  I have really missed having this platform.  I only wish I could remember what my diary name was from 20 years ago to recover it.  Like I said in my earlier, private entry, I probably don’t need to go revisiting the past anyway…those years weren’t my best memories.

Plans for today – I don’t really have any!  I am using the little bit of data I’m allowing myself to write here, probably a wise choice vs losing myself on a social media platform.  Though, when I couldn’t sleep last night, I thought about writing here, but I didn’t feel like getting up and disturbing my husband, I got onto Pinterest and looked for wallpaper ideas for the salon.  I found something that I really like and when I have WiFi again, I’ll make a note to upload my ideas here…as well as a picture of our cozy little fire I made this morning.  I finished my book,  The Things We Never Got Over, the other day and started the second book in the series…but I wasn’t able to order it so I’m listening to it on Audible, it’s not the same.

Wallpaper inspiration

I have two branches drying out on the table for macrame, I need to move them onto the dock so they get sunbleached.  The weather has just been so hit and miss with the rain that then they just get wet all over again.  As soon as I get back home, I’m going to make it a point to not only 1) get healthier with my diet – alcohol, etc. 2) some sort of daily exercise, but 3) making time for being creative – macrame, painting, anything fun and artsy.  I haven’t done anything for so long and I really miss the therapy.

After the discussion I had with my brother-in-law this last weekend (private entry), I had the worst thoughts before going to bed.  I just couldn’t shake the things that he had said…and it had me worrying about my own relationship with my husband.  I haven’t had these feelings since the very beginning of our relationship 7 years ago (and for good reason – he was still living with his ex…but the whole thing was messy) and it’s not that I don’t trust him.  Our relationship, living so far apart again because of the immigration process…is just so much harder.  I thought the worst of it was back in the beginning…but the worst of it has been this last year, after having lived with him for 4.5 years…and then having to move back home because the government decided that my temporary resident status was up.  (They had extended it « indefinitely » during the pandemic…and then one day just sent me a letter telling me I had to leave.)  I get that it was going to happen…but for those years, we built a life and a family/partner dynamic that I fell in love with.  And then, was told I needed to leave immediately because I no longer had a status.

(This entry is going places I didn’t intend…)  So then, I moved to my grandma’s…which was awful to say the least.  I love her…but I found out a lot of things that are going on within the family that I can’t shake.  I’ll write more about that later.  So I made it about 6-7 months there and never left my room…or at least I made my best effort not to.  Or just to be gone as much as possible, tiptoeing around her.  Then I moved in with a friend…and that’s been fine, nothing more, nothing less…and at least we are both pretty clean people so that cuts out a lot of the petty arguments.  Though, she has had a cooler of alcohol dumped over in our front yard for the last 2 months…no joke…I thought she would have cleaned it up by now as her (not-yet-ex) husband has been over multiple times.  I imagine she says it’s mine.  I can’t wait to get out of there though and have my own space again.

My husband and I are working on those plans…we are looking more into an RV for the time we move and staying in it over the winter for a few months and explore.  I think it sounds like a really great idea and adventure.  We can save some money, look for a nice place, and settle down…always having our dream house here to come back to.  Just need immigration to run smoother in the US than it has here…and faster.

I think that’s all for now…I am going to try to make some new friends here, I like connecting with the diary community…I feel like keeping a diary or journal has become so rare and that makes me really sad.  I guess I quit keeping one for a few years…and I’ve never really been that consistent about it, but now that I have this platform again, my goal is to at least get one entry in a day.  It’s easier for me to type than it is to write…because I’m too frustrated with my handwriting and then I just end up burning the pages and starting over, days later.

I do miss a few things about the old OpenDiary…like being able to customize the colors, look and feel, of your diary.  I doubt if I have any of my friends on here anymore…but I still am being cautious making some things private that I know (names, locations, etc.) would be a total giveaway.

xx