Twelve years

It’s been 12 years since I lost my daughter. She had just turned a page too. I had talked to her for the first time in about a month on the day of the seizure that took her. She was so hopeful, so ready to turn over a new leaf.

I’m not sure what to believe anymore. I’ve seen too many cruel instances to keep my faith strong, but I want to believe. Even through the trials I’ve been facing over the last two months I’ve tried to keep my faith, but it’s wavering.

I’ve been petty when it comes to God. Why does this no good SOB have all this and I have to suffer? Isn’t there some balance? Why does my lying cheating ex-wife have such a wonderful life?

I tired of being tested, I’m sick and scared of it all. Maybe that’s why I’ve lost my mind.

Or maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe I am a raging narcissist asshat. Maybe I do convent others lives and such. I’m a bitter jealous person who’s given up because it never gets better.

I don’t want to be in the social service trap but now I am. All because I had anxiety and panic attacks at work. All because the only ones who cared to talk to me told me I was doing the right thing for me walking away. All because I believed a “friend” who told me I was a shoe in for a job at her place and then just up and ghosted.

I’m disgusted by who I see in the mirror. Sick for me, my kids, and all the unfortunate people who have happened upon me.

I’m sorry to you all who take the time to read my posts and care enough to comment and encourage. I’ve let you down too