Friday 8/ 30/24

5:33a.m. I’m dressed and in my wheelchair.I wanted to get up before breakfast. Heck I was glad they got  me up because I had bad dreams last night. In one dream I was sitting a Black man leading a riot. We were bur.ing down everything in sight. There were these row of houses. The burned them all down. I think this took place in Wellsburgh because Eagle Manufacturing was in that dream. The mob attacked that place. They destroyed machinery and everything else. I think we destroyed that place.    

Then I had a dream about being in a hotel. I was trying to pay a bill. I wrote out two checks for something. Then I was stranded. I started talking to the clerk while waiting for my girlfriend. I was Talking about the time I flunked out of West Liberty. I got sick and needed a gull bladder operation I said.  I ended up showing the clerk my scar. I don’t know where these dreams come from.   

I stayed up until 9:00 listening to Vietnam:A History by Stanley Karnow. I got through Chapter 15. I missed half of it because I fell asleep . I’ll have to start this chapter over again. Still I can finish this book by Saturday.  

I talked with Chocolatechip already. She was up early. Chocolatechip said she fell getting out of bed. She bit her knees. She is ok she said. I’m glad. She should of called the E squad to get checked out. But she said she is ok and nothing is broken. What a way to start the day I said 

7:25a.m. I can’t believe I’m still awake. I do feel  a tad bit sleepy. I tried listening to my book but couldn’t concentrate. I got my coffee andi oj already. Hopefully the coffee will perk me up. I am also hoping for a good breakfast. After that I hope to get back to my book.     

10:01a.m. I’m having a great morning. They served pancakes and sausage for breakfast. This i my favorite. Then I got lost in a good history book. I’ve been listening to Vietnam A History by Stanley Karnow I just got through Chapter 15. I have five more to go. I can finish this one by Saturday.    

I haven’t been talking with Chocolatechip. This is her pay day. She took the early bus downtown. She will stop at the bank and get her check then get the return bus home. I called just a few minutes ago and left a.message.She was still out. 

I have today’s menu. They are serving Bruschetta chicken,rice pilaf, cucumber salad, a dinner roll and sliced peaches for lunch. For dinner it is lemon pepper fish, broccoli florets, red bliss potatoes, a dinner roll and lemon blueberry cake. The meals sound good today.    

12:31p.m. I’ve been listening to Vietnam: A History by Stanley Karnow all morning. I got through Chapter 16 which was about the Tet Offensive. I have four more chapters to go.  I’ll finish this book by tomorrow. This book got me on a Vietnam kick. I found two must read books on the subject. One is by Robert McNamara I Retrospect. McNamara was Secretly of Defense under Kennedy and Johnson This ought to be an interesting read. 

The other was Decent Interval by Frank Snepp. Snepp was a CIA analyst in Saigon. This book is about the time from the Paris Peace Accords to the fall of Saigon. If I remember correctly parts of this book was censored by the government. I sure hope I’m able to get an Amazon gift card in September.        

2:04p.m.  I’m in bed now and I’m glad. I was soaked and in a lot of pain. The aides were very nice and I didn’t have long to wait. They got me in bed, undressed me, cleaned me up and changed my briefs. I couldn’t of asked for better care today. It is nice too say something good about this place for a change.   

I called Chocolatechip after the aides left. They were having Bible Study today. I sort of forgot about that. I’m glad she is going to Bingo and Bible Study. It isn’t healthy to stay in your apartment all the time. Chocolatechip is far more of a people person than me. So it is good that she participates in these activities.   

As for me Scott from PT will be stopping by. I will be doing leg exercises in a little bit. Sometimes I think I’m a lost cause. I’ll never walk again somewhat is the use? I would much rather be reading or listening to my books. 

3:47p.m. Chocolatechip called. She had gotten back from Bible Study. She was sitting with two ladies who ran their mouth so constantly. She could hardly hear the preacher. She did say he quoted one passage from this one book of the New Testament. Philippines think it was I dunno. Anyways we talked until Scott came by.  

He only stayed for a ten minute workout. I moved my legs. Then he wanted me to move my butt up and down. I tried but couldn’t do that exercise. It wasn’t much of a workout but it wore me out. I told him I am a lost cause I said. He said I’m doing good but I beg to differ. I do the best I can. 

I would Ike to start reading my Bible again I was reading it every day awhile back. I started at Genesis and got as far as Judges. I just can’t concentrate on two books at the same time. I was reading the Dark Tower novels by Stephen King then. May God forgive me I chose King over something that would do me some good. Still I’d like to get back to the Bible before I pass.       

6:28p.m. Supper was delicious. I have that stuffed feeling but I’m not bloated. I talked with Chocolatechip after I ate. We had a nice chat about different things. She talked about her two ex husbands. I don’t want to mention their names but they were very sick men. One guy was fired for trying to make love to a store dummy. I don’t even want to talk about what her first husband did.    

I tried to change the subject. I talked to her about.Bible Study. I said those two women she sat with were ignorant. Some people go to Bible Study to actually learn about the Bible. If they want to bullshit go out too the parking lot. She agreed. Then we started talking about Steubenville in the old days. We talked about Naples, a famous local Italian restaurant. I said I took every girl I ever dated to that place. I liked talking about the old times. 

I also talked a little bit about my incontinence problem. I was peeing like crazy while we were talking. She said I should be used to it by now. I said it is still pretty damned humiliating. This is something I will never get used too. I started going down the tubes very fast when I first got it. What makes it worse having to lie in it for hours before getting help.  

Well that was the extent of our conversation for tonight. We talked for about a half hour then we said good night. Now I’m faced with yet another night alone in this nursing home. I swear I get so frigging lonesome at night. I think I would go crazy if it were not for my Kindle.     

7:48p.m.I feel very depressed. For one thing I’m lying in urine. I will continue to lie in urine for at least two hours. The aide is making her rounds. I will not get help until she gets to me. This is enough to make anyone depressed. Then I am so friggin lonesome. I wish to hell I had someone to talk with. But right now I have nobody but.my.audiobook.     

I’m listening to Vietnam:A History by Stanley Karnow. I’m on a chapter called “Nixon’s War.” My heart isn’t into it though. I can’t concentrate because I’m soaked in urine. I’m also so lonely. The audiobook helps with the loneliness. It is as though someone is.talking to me. But it is not like talking to another human being. 

Speaking of talking to another person I just got yelled at. I had the call light on. The aide said you got to give me a minute I’m doing my rounds! This didn’t make me feel very good. I asked myself why bother with the damned call light in the first place? 

8:43p.m. Ok I’m an asshole. The aides just changed me. They were nice and did a good job. I promptly peed myself after they left. I just can’t win. I’m still depressed though. I’m so friggin lonesome tonight. I’ve been through many  long and lonely nights. I should be used to it by now. But Jesus I feel so lonesome.

I was thinking I must be a low life asshole. Other than Chocolatechip there is not a single soul who gives a rats ass about me. This is a real accomplishment I went through my entire life with only one true friend. Do I have some redeeming quality? I must not. 

I don’t know what got into me tonight. I’m having a massive pity party. The overwhelming  feeling of sadness  and uselessness just will not leave me alone.

10:24p.m. I’m feeling a little better. I talked with Chocolatechip. She was up getting something to eat. Talking with her always helps. I thank God she is in my life. I was going on about that book on Vietnam. That book discusses a very sad period of our history. I think that got to me because I grew up during the Vietnam era. My brother served at least two tours in Nam. I dunno it was just a sad time for my family.and that book brought back some depressing memories.

I’m still going to finish it though. I have three more chapters. I plan on finishing that thing tomorrow. Then I will start on The Truths We Hold by Kamala Harris.

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