Be Mindful, Be Demure

Since I’m just freshly back into the online blogging world, and OD itself. Let’s do a semi light hearted entry where y’all get to know me a bit better…So this will be the intro of who I am.

I am 41 yo. Its funny because while every year I turn another year older, I still feel like I’m fresh out of high school, living the life I always envisioned. But I don’t feel 41. Of course I have aches and pains, I don’t sleep enough, I eat like a trash panda, I consume medicinal herb, but legit it’s always mind boggling that I have officially reached the 40s.

I was born in Missouri and spent a whole 5 days there. Odd you wonder why only 5 days? Because I am adopted. My parents drove from Ohio to Missouri for the adoption process. So at 5/6 days old I became an Ohioan. I resided there up until my 30’s. Its quite honestly where I spent most of my life. Now, I call myself a Michigan transplant. I have lived in Michigan 10+ years. One would think when comparing my life in Ohio to my life in Michigan that I would say Ohio brought me more happiness and I thrived there. I can tell you that is not the case. My soul has always been drawn to the state of Michigan. I am oddly in love with my state.

I am someone’s significant other. In total I have had 5 people that I have loved or cared strongly for. Three were boyfriends during my high school years and the last two were in my adult years. My S/O and I have been together 20 years this August. We actually met through my oldest child’s father. Funny how life works right? We are not legally married by paper or the courts-but if common law exited we meet the criteria. I do reference us as married/husband/wife-so don’t get that twisted when you read. I have one partner, 20 years deep. If you had to ask me to sum up my married life (and I speak for myself alone) its like the damn sandworm in Beetlejuice…..oddly satisfying, terrifying in the fact it can swallow you whole, twisty and curvaceous, and mind fuckingly intense. Am I good wife? By textbook looking in yes. I do the housewife thing; the laundry, the housework, the kids, the animals, the shopping, the bill paying….you get the picture. Am I always the good wife; nope. I’m mean, I’m nasty at times, I lose my shit and I am sure I have broken him just as he has broken me. Post Malone and Morgan Wallen couldn’t have said it better when they said:

“It takes two to break a heart in two, ooh
Baby, you blame me and, baby, I blame you
Aw, if that ain’t truth (oh)”

I am a mom 5 times over. I have adult children, teen children, young children, and one who resides in heaven. Parenting is where I feel I thrive the most. I have relationships with my kids that I never had with my own, and still don’t have.  My kids are awesome humans; each with their own unique personalities that encompass the best of me and my partner. I try to keep them sacred and share them minimally on social media; we shall see where these confessionals go if they make appearances.

I love music. I connect with music. Music is the easiest way for me to express myself. I was notorious for making mixed cds with playlists that would rock your world. Some songs can bring me to tears, some rage, some remind me that this life is not over for me. You know-the feels. I listen to entire variety; and I’m pretty open to all genres. I love singing; not sure where the quality of my vocals rates but I can say it doesn’t stop me from belting my heart and soul out.

Writing-I would think that’s an obvious, I’m here aren’t I? I like to say I have an unpublished memoir-and I do. What stopped me? “Exposing my parents and my life”-not necessarily, but yes. I was raw and honest and that went against the glass house we live in. So that sits in my back pocket untouched for the moment…maybe I will release it. I’ve always written. From paper and pen journals to online diaries. OD was the first and last live journal I owned. So to refind myself in the same place I started is a sign..

I’m blunt. I’m rude. I’m honest. I’m kind. I really don’t have any fucks left to give. Life has raw dogged me too many times to care. If you don’t like it, don’t continue to read. But chances are you will. In secret. Because we all have that nasty raw side that we hide from society because its not demure. Its not mindful. Well who gives a fuck. What does pleasing other people do for you? Drives you absolutely insane. Robs you of your self worth, diminishes the light you were meant to bring to the world.

Be aware that if you continue to follow along you never know what you’re going to get. I’m a whole lot of everything. As I find myself inspired the chapters will come. The disorganization will become a soothing form of chaos and you won’t find yourself asking “am I the only one”-maybe you will even find yourself inspired to give less fucks and learn to love yourself.

If you really wanna support me and get the goods buy me a coffee-did you know you can tip the writer? It helps fuel the starving artist.