I’d rather take valium

Let me preface by noting I have an inexplicable desire to spell valium like it’s in the etymological school of ‘vacuum’ so I’ll occasionally spell it ‘valuum.’

You get what you pay for around here.

Tonight I’ve been irritable since about 4:30 when I woke up from my nap.  And I haven’t been able to shake it.  I spent extra time alone.  My wife compounded my irritation when we got together to hang out. ANd so around 9 o’clock, after dealing with feelings of irratibility and anger, I decided to take a valium.

Lately my therapist has been saying I should do more EFT tapping, but I hate doing that – I feel like it’s ineffectual, and that outcome prejudices me to trying.  Is it?  I don’t really remember it ever helping me.  Do I try it often anymore? No.  I’m kind of done with it, and I prefer the approach where I struggle through for a minimum of 3 or 4 hours, and then I decide I can give myself permission to take valium.  I feel guilty when I take it because I’ve taken a push-button chemical fix.  Somehow I’ve been trained or conditioned to thinking that relief in a medicine is bad.  I think it’s the voice of my therapist, which normally isn’t a bad voice to have in my head along with my own.

But we disagree over certain things: the negative conditioning of chemical relief is one of those.  Valium works. I feel better already.  I like where I am right now.  I like what I’m doing.  This is better than the last 4 hours, and I don’t have to irritate anyone (well, let the reader be the judge).

Yeah, why is this outcome bad?  Why is the means to this outcome bad?  The outcome was what I’ve wanted for hours.

Music this Moment: Saigon Kick “Love is on the Way”