whoa

It’s been a couple days since I wrote my last entry and I figured since I was thinking about it I may as well try and get some momentum going and write another one.

I really didn’t know what to expect when I came over here and wrote the last one. I really just sat down and started writing and let the muse take over. Obviously, I’ve got some problems and some real shit I need to deal with but I don’t want to write that again. I want to write about something else. So, we shall see where this one goes…

One of the defining characteristics of me as a human being is that I’m bipolar. It’s not something that affects me on a day to day basis, I take my pills, go to the doctor regularly, and try to be aware of my mental state at all times but for me the disease is very slow and the majority of people in my life would never even need to know that there is something wrong with me.

But there have been times where things take a turn for the worse, since I first exhibited symptoms when I was 18 I have been manic (manic enough that I should have or did receive in-patient treatment) 5 times. Four times I’ve been hospitalized- when I was first diagnosed when I was 19, when i was 22 (in early 2004 which you can read “about” here in this diary), 2 years ago in late 2011, and again late last year in 2012.

The first time I was only in the hospital for a few days and I didn’t have a clear psychotic break so that time is not really of the point I’m trying to get to.

The other 3 times (2004, 2011, 2012) I completely lost my mind and was in the hospital for extended periods of time. Six weeks in 2004, about two weeks each for the other two. When most people think of mania (I think) they think of hyperactivity, racing thoughts, impulsive spending, lack of sleep, that kind of thing. For some people, talking about me specifically, mania can turn into what can be boiled down to something similar to schizophrenia.

This is an entirely different animal. Last year, I didn’t even get the classic manic episode leading up to the craziness. Yes, I couldn’t sleep, and didn’t for maybe a week, two weeks, I don’t even know. But I slowly went from normal everyday Adam into hearing voices. I felt like God was talking to me. I was hearing messages in songs, like every song was written for me. I’ve believed I was Jesus. Literally believed it, told the ambulance drivers and everyone at that I came in contact to at the hospital all about it. I’ve believed I could read minds. Travel through time. I’ve believed I’m an alien capable of moving through the universe through taking a shower. If it’s crazy enough, I’ve thought it, and I’m not ashamed of my experiences.

So these past couple years, starting at the beginning of 2012, when I was home finally after being in the hospital for an extended stay got me thinking about what if I’m not crazy? What if all this is real? Or kind of real? Or is there any way I can relate these experiences to my regular life and have them make any sense?

I started with the sensible thing, I guess. I started looking into Christianity and trying to connect with God that way. It sort of seemed to work but I would cry out to God sometimes, tears just flowing down my face, asking for help and never getting any. For me, God didn’t seem to work that way. So I pressed on, and I found my way to near-death experiences.

Near-death experiences (NDE’s) happen occasionally to people who get injured in a car crash or flat-line during surgery. They die for a short time and come back to life. While they are “dead” they go to “heaven” and (this varies wildly) meet their dead relatives, talk to God perhaps, and eventually get told they have to go back to earth. That’s about as much as I’m going to explain that. You can find plenty about NDE’s on youtube or google or something.

Anyway, enough time spent researching that and I came to the conclusion that they’re real. Not just some atheist-debunked mumbo jumbo that real people aren’t allowed to think about. Real humans leading real lives here on earth.

From there I learned about past-life regressions (god, this is going on too long….) where hypnotists will take people back into their past lives, like, yes, reincarnation. Looked that over for a long time, decided that was real.

Looked into mediums, decided they were real. Not all of them and some are better than others but some people have the ability to talk to spirits. Ok, so what does all this mean? I mean, what does it mean for me? I still haven’t gotten anywhere in my life. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy (I’m not really doing it justice speeding through it) trying to figure out what my life is for and all I’ve found out is that when we die we don’t really die, and we’ll be reincarnated again.

Well, I came across some youtube videos that finally made everything kind of come together. I’m not going to spell it out, I really just wanted to get the post to this point but if this strikes a chord with you at all and you are curious or you need to find out more like I did do a youtube search for “channeling erik” or go to channelingerik.com

A mom lost her son to suicide about 4 years ago and she went on a far more fascinating journey than I did and chronicles it all on her website. Through a medium, she communicates with her son constantly and on the blog has Erik answer pretty much anything you can think of about life on earth, the afterlife, you name it.

I feel like some people might look at the website and read through it and think it’s kind of culty. And maybe it is. I just know that it really satisfied my need to know about these sort of things. I’m always wanting more, more, more (theamendment.net is good) but I feel like I’m in a good place now. My life is still shit :), but at least I know now that at least there’s some kind of purpose going on.

I hope this wasn’t too long.

edit: doesn’t really seem that long now that I’ve read it over. Writing just takes awhile, i guess. 🙂