Mid summer nights forgotten dream

This summer already feels like such a blur.

I did a lot more cleaning of this house today. I was told thank you, I told them I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes.  Those things, on the counter, I wasn’t sure if some were sentimental so I tucked them away and he shook his head and told me no. All I want to do is purge.

Im torn between the smarter thing to do tomorrow is rest or get the carpets done.

S’s PlayStation is still not fixed and they’re not returning my phone calls. I’m so frustrated for him at this point.
Im scared his dad will use it against me to claim I did this on purpose to keep them from talking. That’s not true.

S went to the pool two days in a row. Once with a friend, where I dropped him off. He’s been talking about hanging out with this friend for months and I’m so thankful it happened. The day after we went  together. Me, S, Z and C. The only way I successfully did it was because our neighbors were there too. K happily held C as I chased Z around. Z is a little fish. Always has been. I was so impressed by his doggy paddle and we twirled and smiled and laughed while I held him up to swim on his own. He’s beautiful.
I wonder to what degree his disability will affect him still from time to time. It does t plague me. I don’t stay awake at night wondering if I’ll have to plan the rest of my life to accompany his special needs. That he will never leave home or be high functioning enough to experience a relatively normal and “accomplished” life. It’s not that I care he’s disabled. I don’t love or think of him less or feel shame. It’s funny. I don’t feel bad for myself the way I USED to feel bad for women, especially single mothers, of special needs kids. I always thought I have no idea how they can do it… how hard it must be. Because my life was so hard at the time adjusting to having my first child. Now not only am I now that special needs parent, I’m also a parent of three. And somehow I do it. Im so much happier now than I was at the beginning.

i miss me though.

for someone who never liked herself much, I desperately wish I could hang out with her again.

S has his therapy intake this month. He doesn’t know about it. I’m nervous to tell him. I just don’t want him to think there’s something wrong with him when there isn’t. I want his life to be as normal and happy and innocent as possible. He does open up to me and I’m thankful for that. I never opened up to my mom. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking and hard that was for her. I’m terrified of the day he begins to shut me off.