Thursday 7/4/24

7:40a.m. I got an ultimatum from Chocolatechip this morning. I either start speaking up to my psych doctor or we are done. She said she is going through a lot herself and cannot take it anymore. It breaks her heart to hear me suffer so. She said she saw me isolate myself, she signs of paranoia, bitch about the hoyer pad and everything else. In short I need to start helping myself. 

I said I will speak up the next time I see my phone psych doctor. I repeat I have complained about the nursing home until my balls turned blue. It does t do much good. My latest row is I’m haven’t been getting my meals. I told the nurse I didn’t get a breakfast tray. She said she will tell them. So I do speak up when necessary. 

So my day isn’t starting out very good. I get chewed out by my girlfriend first thing in the morning. I finially got a lousy breakfast on fk two slices of raisin toast. I had to drink cold coffee. Today is going to be a very bad day.  

10:01a.m. I’m definitely not having a good day. I feel very tired and depressed. I’m upset over the sudden turn of events with Chocolatechip. But in a way I can’t blame her. Dealing with my.  problems with the  nursing home can be too much at times. I am sorry as hell if I caused her any emotional suffering. I guess I will just have to deal with this shit alone. 

Life goes on I guess. I’m dressed and in my wheelchair. I missed the coffee social. I was heading for the Fiesta Room when Lynn got me. She took me to the gym for my workout. I did my exercises but my heart wasn’t in it. The workout lasted about forty minutes. I was glad it was over and Lynn pushed me back to my room. 

I called Chocolatechip but no answer. I am worried. I’m wondering if we are still in a relationship. I will always love her no matter what happens .    

12:50p.m. I’m feeling a little bit better. I had chicken & cheese quesadilla, cilantro rice,fiesta corn and jello. I didn’t eat the rice or corn. I had lunch in the Fiesta Room This  time I sat by Doug, Chocolatechip’s ex husband. We didn’t have much to say. I couldn’t hear. He can’t hear either so communication was a problem. I did say I want the hell out of here but I can’t take care of myself. 

I made my way I back to my room. I talked with Chocolatechip. We are ok. I told her about sitting with Doug. She asked how that went. It did feel a bit awkward and I told her that. Then she asked how we ended up sitting together. I said we just parked at the same table. We talked about Doug for awhile. All I said was I don’t have too high of an opinion of him. 

Then she said I sounded depressed. I didn’t elaborate but I said I depressed. Partly because of our talk first thing in the morning and partly because I need changed Im soaked but I can’t get help because the aide is dealing with lunch trays. I didn’t say this because I didn’t want to bring her down. 

She asked if I was going to read this afternoon. I don’t know I said. . I want to finish that book You Like it Darker . But I feel so depressed I don’t think I can concentrate.  But I’m hooked on that story “Rattlesnakes.” I want to find out what happens to Vic Trenton. Does his dead son help free him from the ghosts that are haunting him? I think I’m going to give it a shot. 

2:14p.m. I’ve been looking at books on my wish list. I should be able to get $100 Amazon gift card next month. I figure i can buy ten books with that much money. I already have it spent and that’s money I don’t have yet. Oh well its always fun to look and wish. Browsing takes my mind off of crap.

I’m pretty miserable right now. I am soaked. I’ve been trying to get changed since lunchtime. I just want clean briefs s and a chance to go back to bed. But Asshole is on duty. He just made my bed. He said he had to wait for Amber to get back. Then I will be next in line. God knows how long that would take. I’ll probably have to deal sit in urine for at least another hour. Isn’t it any wonder I get depressed?

2:51p.m. Miracle of Miracles I’m in bed and my briefs are changed! I didn’t have to wait that long after all. I’m feeling a bit better now I want to call Chocolatechip then get back to You Like it Darker.    

4:32p.m. I had a nice long talk with Chocolatechip. We are both feeling better. She is going through a lot of shit thanks to family and people in Misery Towers. I think that is why she went off on me this morning. One thing I love about her is we can talk about almost anything. We do not end up in a screaming match. We have too much respect for each other. I know I feel a hundred percent better.

I never did read today. There was just too much shit going around in my head. But I think Chocolatechip and I got our little misunderstanding straighten out. I can get back to You Like it Darker by Stephen King. I got to find out how that story ends. Life is good.

6:39p.m. I wish I hadn’t eaten my supper. They served Sicilian Roast beef, green beans, mashed potatoes with gravy a dinner roll and a brownie. I didn’t like the meat. The potatoes were cold and runny.  I got Avery sick and bloated. Right now I feel like shit.

I talked with Chocolatechip. Her mood suddenly went south. She swore me to secrecy so I can’t discuss the problem. I will say she is sick and tired of Misery Towers. I listened to her problems and tried to offer suggestions. I was of no help. I feel so bad for her. I care very much for Chocolatechip and hate to see her so depressed. I’m afraid my mood took a nose dive. I feel like double shit because of physical pain plus the fact I’m no use to my girlfriend.

This turned out to be a very shitty day for both of us. I hope tomorrow will somehow be better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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