Few more hours

I wonder how many sleepless nights I’ve had over the course of my 41 years? The nights where I’m so tired, I get into bed and my eyes close and off to sleep I go, but then I wake up only a few moments later, I get up, go to the toilet, have a small sip of water and repeat. I used to hate those nights, now days it’s kind of welcoming in a way. The familiar pattern, knowing that I’ll be tired, knowing that my mind is busy with its processing and my older body feeling slow. So what do I do? When my alarm goes off at 0530, I text the work place I’m meant to be at today and say sorry not coming today. Do I feel guilty? No. Are you sure you don’t feel guilty, they cancelled your shift on you yesterday? Nope.
I snuggle back into bed, back into the warmth of where I was laying, the cat rejoins me. I think my body needs this break just as much as my mind. The only part I feel guilty about, is that my husband works his ass off. Not that I don’t, but that’s the only part where I do.

That guilt starts to melt away, as he pulls me in for a cuddle. We don’t say anything but he knows, my mind is all over the place. I guess that’s the upside to marriage of 13 years, you understand your person. Do I reach to my bag and get my pills out? It’s too early, then they won’t last all day. Just wait few more hours. So I reach for my phone and this is what spills out of me.