At my job now
I am in my room. Probably not the best way to start my first day but I’m tired. After packing all my belongings from the hotel and then packing them into my car and then unloading at the place I’ll be until Monday morning…it has made me tired. I get my own room to sleep in. I like the room very much. It’s very spacious. Empty drawers for me to leave my things in. I have lots of drawers to put my clothes in…I think this may be my new job for a while.
the 90 year old woman’s name is Mrs. smith. Her husband died only 5 months ago. Since then, she’s been taken care of by all her children, church members, grandchildren, neighbors…you name it. You can tell she’s well taken care of. The house is so clean and the bathroom is spotless. The house is in the country…so rural roads, etc. The husband died here and I actually felt like he came to visit for a second to check on me and figured I was good peoples then went back to where he came from.
i was wearing a cannabis shirt from LA but I switched out my tshirt to a plain white tee that had the John 3:16 scripture on it. Good move on my part, because mrs. Smith read my shirt out loud at least three times. She had care giver who was super super super sweet named Mrs. Brenda who showed me around. The son of the elderly lady came by too and brought dinner. I had catfish but it was so seasoned that I only ate a little bit before I was full.
the elderly stares in my face from time to time. It’s sweet. It’s like shes memorizing my face. She also did something that stood out to me. She stood by the window and watched Mrs. Brenda get in her car and drive away. I kid you not…I’m not psychic but it felt like she was saying to herself: “let me watch her go because tomorrow is not promised”…
….so we both stood by the kitchen sink and looked out the window that faced the driveway…and watched Mrs. Brenda drive away.
just now, Mrs. Smith told me she about to leave the house but she’ll be right back. I said ok. She forgets things and she often opens the door that leads outside…it’s dangerous because there’s a step and I always got to make sure she doesn’t walk out the house.
im not sure how she feels with me being here. She asked about her son and she forgot that he came to visit less than two hours ago. She doesn’t answer my questions clearly either.
Me: were you married in your 20s or 30s?
mrs. Williams: huh ?
me: I said, were you married in your 20s or 30s?
mrs. Williams: I don’t remember. It was too long ago.
for an elderly woman, she sure does walk around the house a LOT. I hear her feet shuffling up and down the hallways and all around the kitchen with her walker. I told her that at 8:30pm every night I’m going to read a chapter of the Bible to her. (We didn’t tonight)
her husband used to be a Sunday school teacher and she herself, was a school teacher. I got up at least 7 times while writing this entry to check up on her. She’s on the toilet now and I have to change and wipe her. And then put her nightgown on…(she didn’t want me to help)
One great thing about this job is that she goes to bed early…it’s almost her bedtime now. This means, I got to learn how to go to bed early bc I am sure I’ll have to wake up early…luckily not too early…between 8-9am.
I really like the place but I hate working. I wish I could just have enough money to pursue my dreams. My car smelled like mildew on the way here. I get angry/sad that I can’t afford a new car.
im trying my best to not do too much. I want this to be my easy money job. But I have a feeling, the workload is no different than my days as a nanny. I have to keep checking up on her every few minutes. I better go check to see if she still on the toilet…un momento.
She just showed me pictures of herself. You can’t tell thats me!? , she asked as I looked at her photos…
I laughed on the inside at her question. I guess even at 90 a woman has vanity. She used to be a tall woman. Now she’s only an inch or so taller than me. It’s like she shrunk 7 inches in height since she was a younger woman. So does that mean since I’m 5’1 now I’m going to be 4 feet at 90 years old?..
now I’m in bed with her. She told me to stay in her room. My mom said she didn’t want me to sleep in the same room…something about not breathing the same air as her. I’m next to her right now…she’s deep asleep. I’m watching episodes of the voice…ummm, they are really talented on this show!
I only saw two performers so far…one was super confident and performed behind a guitar…the other was a stand in for Hamilton…the broadway show…and he kilt it…like super experienced- the way he performed…he treated like it was HIS stage. Sooooo much confidence.
if I were to perform on the voice, it would be a Mariah Carey song. I have the perfect song too…
the thing is: NO ONE HAS EVER HAD A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AFTER THE VOICE. NO ONE HAS EVER GOTTEN A GRAMMY OR BILLBOARD AWARD…CAN ANYONE SAY THE FIRST AND LAST NAME OF ONE ARTIST FROM THE VOICE THAT HAS A EVER TOURED IN SOLD OUT ARENAS…not one artist. American Idol and The Voice been stopped creating celebrities a LONG TIME AGO. I think their contract is probably criminal.
the air is stuffy in this room with Mrs. smith. Oh and let me just say something…I watched an episode of American Idol with Lionel in it. The same man I told I wanted a music career from…well this mf, you know what…. nevermind. He didn’t want to help me, el debarge didn’t want to help me, Nick Jonas did not want to help & now Jay Roewe is not helping… I have 26 videos out on YouTube that show undeniable talent yet no one wants to offer any career guidance or anything…
I guess I got to keep figuring it out on my own.
Kalani told me that the artist who he’s on tour with pay him out of pocket. Pays for everything out of pocket…from the audio team, to the band members, to his crew, to his security…how can he afford to do all that!? A stadium alone to rent out has to be at least 12k…like what kind of money does this artist have since he doesn’t have a label?
I asked Kalani if this artist has a manager that can help me… he said no. Not even Kalani wants to help. I don’t get it.
so should I audition for the voice and get on that stage and risk it all… because it would suck to lose.
I don’t know what to do any more. I’m 40, remember? Not 22… I need to see it as I’m a grown woman that can be celebrated by other grown women. I have a feeling a lot of grown women will support my music and all grown men… and maybe just maybe… kids can like me too.
Oh I feel like I just need to give up but then I’d truly go down the rabbit hole and never come back out the other side.
I feel sad again. I think the weed has messed with my soul. It makes me depressed. I need help God!
I feel bad for saying this: I don’t want to be here with Mrs. Smith. I want to be in the hotel room instead. But I’m here…so I gotta be a light for Mrs. Smith.
btw, I stole from cvs today. $20 worth of merchandise in the form of two pimple patches packages. I just put two packets in my purse and walked out. I felt guilty for a second but my mind was more so ANGRY for not taking more. I hate when I get like this.
I feel angry about how my life turned out and then I somehow blame God. I get angry because of weed. The way I constantly compromise myself… when am I finally going to stop for good & the addiction is broken?
dear God, please forgive me for all my sins I pray Lord Jesus that my dreams come true and sadness will forever go away and Jesus name amen
God, please heal me . No more smoking forever. In Jesus name. Amen