The Relationship Struggle is Real

The title says it all. Life simply feels like a struggle lately. Determining what the right thing is, who the right thing is. A struggle. It shouldn’t be. I know in my head the “right” choices.

My heart isn’t having it tho. Not. At. All. My heart misses the past. It’s terrified of the future. It wants to run away, run back, go dig a hole and just hide in isolation.

Max and I. We’re done. My brain knows this. My heart though. Gosh, it wishes this was a doable relationship. It isn’t. Not now. Likely not ever. He isn’t what my life needs. No matter how much I wish he was. He can’t change or adapt to that person. His personality will always be what it is – paranoid, hypochondriac, a follower to make friends, more worried about others than me, immature, familial enmeshed. He hid it for a long time but once I saw it – he couldn’t hide it again. It’s all oozed out ever since. Even since the break-up.

Yet, he was also so great sometimes. Sometimes he loved me a lot it felt like. It felt natural with him. Life felt hard, yet easy. We experienced extreme happiness and devastating loss together. He held me while I sobbed. For days. Begging God to give us back our daughter. He walked out tho. Months later. He made me feel the highest of highs, yet the absolute lowest of lows.

I know. Deep in my brain. I can’t go back to that. He can’t be the person I need in my life. I’m not the person he needs in his. I can’t stop loving him. I can’t stop hoping he maybe changes and ends up back in my life. Romantically. Not just as my BFF. I’m going to ruin something great because of these deep-seated illusion in my head.

Then you have Jeff.

He’s too good to be true. It’s been two months since the first date we went on. He just gets nicer. More amazing.

So, what do I do? I try to push him away of course. Hanging out and then running away. Letting him come over, then finding a reason he has to leave. The more I like him, the more I wonder about Max. Wonder if I’m making the right choice.

Tonight I was short with him on the phone. Needing to go. Needing to run away. Later, when I finally called back – he tells me when I get short he initially thinks it’s him, then reminds himself it’s just me having a moment I need to handle alone and he’ll wait for me. I told him that it’s not okay. He agrees, it’s not okay, but I get your anxiety kicks up and THAT is okay. I’ll be here when you feel better or need me every time.

Yeah. I’m going to fuck up the best relationship I’ve ever found because I love someone that will always be emotionally unavailable; because I’m terrified of being hurt; terrified of being let down; terrified of being abandoned. I need to stop. Get a grip. Accept this and see where it goes.

I’m trying so hard to be all in. Yet, it’s hard. So hard. I’ve turned into an emotionally distant, terrified loser.

What is there not to like about him? The only thing I can come up with is he’s shorter than I normally date. I know. I’m ridiculous. He’s still taller than me. He feels too good to be true and I’m constantly waiting for the bottom to fall out. He’s too into me and it’s smothering sometimes. I swore I’d never have a relationship with someone in the oilfield again. He’s got some stupid jokes. Sometimes, I’m slightly jealous of his obsession with his dog.

Really though, there’s nothing awful. Which brings me back to too good to be true.

Dating – it’s hard – so hard.