Sad

I feel sad today. I don’t know why…maybe it’s the full moon messing with my emotions…
 
Alot of stuff is bothering me lately. I’m feeling extremely insecure about myself, for one thing…am I ugly or something? Is there something inherently unattractive about me that repels guys away? I hate being alone. I’m so damn lonely sometimes that my heart just hurts from it. The only thing I really want is to have that special person in my life to hold me at night..that best friend as well as relationship. I just want someone to love me for real…not just to pretend they do. Night after night after night, I lay in my bed alone, wishing I wasn’t so damn lonely all the time. There’s a big hole in my life that I can’t seem to fill no matter how much I try to busy myself with day to day things.
 
I’m scared to drive..so many close calls..so many bad judgement calls. I know I’ve only had my license and car for a couple weeks, but now I’m almost too afraid to drive anymore. I must have someone watching over me. And god I hope it continues to. The last thing I need is to fuck up my new car..or myself…I’m fucked up enough as it is.
 
I’m scared shitless about whether I passed my nursing exam…the waiting game is agonizing. And I’m not getting many shifts at my job yet. The first shift I’m scheduled for at this point isn’t until June 8th, and I just can’t wait that long. I have over $10,000 in debt right now, I can’t afford not to work. Besides, when I don’t work, I just end up thinking too much and that’s a bad idea for me. When I think, my head goes all sorts of bad places…and sometimes it leads to worse things.
 
The other day, my last orientation shift, the nurse made me cry. Then the care aide made me cry. Someone choked in front of me, and I panicked. I’d never dealt with that before, never seen anyone choke, and the fear just took over. After I freaked for a second, I started to think again, and did the right thing…but the care aides comments cut like a knife. I’m a nurse…I should know what to do when things like that happen. Maybe I’m just not good at anything I try to do.
 
I’ve lost my spark and my passion lately. Things seem so grey.
 
I need to go to Vancouver and get out of the Loops for a few days. I want to go see Kevin. I need a good cuddle.