Swirling Thoughts

I really need to write down my thoughts..it always helps for me to get stuff out in writing.
 
I don’t know what to do at this point. I guess I just feel neglected. Sure, Vince may be busy this week. Sh*t happens and stuff, sometimes things come up and it can’t be avoided…but….
 
Last night while I was on my break I called up Vince and we talked for a whole 4 minutes..our longest phone conversation ever. He promised he’d call me today, and he did, which was good. He’d already told me he had some stuff going on tonight so he prob wouldn’t have any free time. And sure enough, he got tied up. Again.
 
I guess it’s a good thing that I’ve been able to keep my heart out of this mess, but my head is still messed up over it. I like Vince alot, and I get that funny feeling whenever I’m with him. But now it’s been almost a week since I saw him last. Since last Sunday, I’ve talked to him 4 times on the phone, but that’s it.
 
Part of me wants to just say f*ck it all and run away. And then part of me is scared to let it go without knowing what we could end up having together. My head is filled with doubt and fear. I need attention and reassurance, and lots of it. I’m scared sh*tless that he’s playin with my heart, but honestly I have no real reason to think that. He’s still calling me and he did apologize for being so busy this week.
 
I sometimes save his voicemail messages so I can listen to them over and over again…just so I can hear his voice.
 
I think I’m just a mess on the inside. I have become a different person..I’m wrecked. There is no more faith, no more trust, no more hope. On the inside all that’s left is black.
 
These thoughts plague me all the time, and yet, if I saw him right now, it would all disappear. I seriously just melt when I’m around him.
 
I think at this point…I’m going to give it one more week. If he doesn’t make a serious effort to see me, then there’s no point and I should just move along and find someone who will. I’m much better alone anyways. Life is easier when you have no one. And yet, I’ve been utterly depressed and having some very self-destructive thoughts. This all needs to go away.