Losing My Marbles

Losing My Marbles

Well, yesterday came and went. No word from Chris. He apparently called his mom collect yesterday, and has another court date in three weeks. He was talking about either coming home today, but possibly staying in Quesnel for the next three weeks!!
 
The fact that I haven’t heard from him terrifies me. I have no idea where he is, what he’s doing. Whether he’s being good or bad. His mom and I both know that if he stays there he’ll just get back into the life he tried so hard to get out of. All I want to do is see him, to shake some sense into him.
 
He tells me he loves me, and then he doesn’t let  me know what’s going on?? My mind is going in all sorts of bad directions. I haven’t been in a depression/anxiety like this in a year. I can’t eat, I keep sleeping so I don’t have to deal with it, only when I do go to sleep I have nightmares. Did he go to Quesnel and then all of a sudden forget about me and our relationship?
 
I find myself doing devious things to try and find out where he is and what’s going on. It’s so bad that I’m prepared to get on a goddamned Greyhound and go to Quesnel tomorrow to go look for him. I have no idea even where to start looking, I’d just end up walking around the city with his picture.
 
What the hell is wrong with me? I guess I just don’t understand what the hell he’s thinking and I want my boyfriend back. I’m confused as all hell too. I’d give anything to see him right now, to have him just show up at my house out of the blue like he used to do. But I know he won’t..so I won’t even let myself dream about it anymore. I want to know if everything was a lie. I’m so sick of having my heart broken, I really can’t take it. I’m not emotionally or mentally stable enough, and it’s really unfair for me to keep getting emotionally wrecked by men.
 
I really wish I had some answers.
 
I don’t know whether to just try and keep myself busy with things and wait for him to call me, or whether I should try and track him down. I really don’t know what to do at this point. All I wanna do is cry.