The Way I Feel

Kevin was in town this week. I was so busy with finals and didn’t get to spend alot of time with him. But last night, Dave threw another one of his infamous Halloween in May parties, and so many people I hadn’t seen in ages came out to drink and have fun. It was probably the best party I’ve been to in a long time. It was so good to get out and have fun. Even though I’d been up since 6:30 am for school, I managed to stay up until almost the same time that night.

Nothing has changed between Kevin and I. We could have hooked up. As usual, I spent the night with him as we always do when he comes to visit, and we cuddled together and fell asleep. I just couldn’t go through with it though. I specifically didn’t go and get any condoms becuz I didn’t think I was ready for that again. Of course, I wished later that I had. There are so many things I want to help him experience, he’s had some very prudish girlfriends.

Even after 10 years, we still have the same feelings for each other. It always makes it so hard to say goodbye when he has to go. I just hug him and close my eyes just for a moment and think of nothing else. It’s one of those moments that seem so short and fleeting..I just wish it could last.

 I wish there was really a way to tell him how I feel. I just can’t do it. So I guess that’s the point of this entry. If anything ever happened to me, at least I’d have my feelings written down somewhere, even if he’ll never see it.

I have a deep respect, admiration and love for him. He truly is an amazing person. Even if I can never be with him, I’ll keep my feelings deep in my heart forever and never let them go.

Even those small moments, when we’re just doing nothing at all, are the ones I keep locked away in that special place inside my heart..in that little place that’s just for me.