Hats off

I’m so incredibly scared and paranoid of social interaction. I’ve always enjoyed people but found interacting with them to be absolutely exhausting. I grew up shy, which led me to become a socially awkward adult. There was a period of time there when I thought I had gotten over it. I thought, “Oh great! I’m confident now! I won’t ever feel awkward again!” Because people laughed at my jokes, people said nice things about me to my face and behind it. I thought it was a skill I had finally learned, like a child learning to walk therefore would continue to do so with no effort for the rest of my life. I thought laying awake in bed at night, ruminating on something stupid I said or did, believing that people think little of me and caring that they did… I thought I’d never feel that way again. But here I am.

I was hired by the school I used to attend. Some of my teachers are now my coworkers.
Tonight was graduation and I came in late barreling through the parking lot with an infant stroller, pushing baby as well as my oldest who’s hanging onto the side like a grocery cart. I felt so strange- out of place. I was late because I felt fat and gross in every outfit I tried on. I paced in circles trying to get myself ready. I pace in circles trying to do anything. I find myself to be embarrassing. When I’m in a room full of people I never feel smart enough to be there. I feel like my coworkers think I’m dumb and unprofessional. I think I’m dumb and unprofessional.

i waa going somewhere with this entry but I don’t feel like writing anymore. But I’m proud of myself that I tried…I at least deserve that. I’m going to take a melatonin and get some sleep now.