Day Fifteen: Healing Through Divorce

I’m my own worst enemy. I’m going to hurt my own feelings because I keep making poor choices. It’s crazy what love can and WILL do to you…

Dear Husband,

You keep telling me you love me and calling me babe/baby again. We’ve spent 3 nights together out of the last 4. I have genuinely loved our time together. I have my best friend back and half of my husband. The other half of you is still with her.

We talked about/agreed to an open marriage. It’s such a bad idea. I’m going to get hurt in this process. I hate that I love you as much as I do. To love you so much that I’m willing to do anything it takes to keep you as my husband is disgusting. I hate myself a little for it. But I love you. You’re my best friend and always have been. I’m having a hard time letting you go, obviously. So I’ll end up breaking my own heart here.

You keep telling me you don’t want to lose me. I clearly don’t want to lose you either, otherwise I wouldn’t keep doing this. But eventually I’ll be okay with losing you because through therapy I’m learning to love myself more than I love you. I don’t know how long it will take, but I hope it’s not long.

As a side note: I have saved all of our text messages, I have sound recordings of our time together, and I took a video for her in your bathroom last night after. I don’t know if I plan on stopping all of this and telling her or not. What I do know is that I deserve better. As much as I hate her for KNOWINGLY taking my husband, she also deserves better than you.

I hate that I love you this much. But I do. I hate that I’m willing to break myself in half to keep you. I hate that you have this hold over me. I hate that I have this trauma bond to you. I hate that I love you more than you love me. I hate that I let you do this to me.

Love,

Your Wife

Y’all. I need to pull it together. I’m hurting myself and I know that. Letting go is just so damn hard. I’m happy in the moment when I’m with him. We’re best friends again. We laugh and play and joke and genuinely have fun. But when I leave, I feel like absolute garbage. I feel like I’m leaving part of my heart in that apartment, and it’s because I am. I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I miss the future we had planned. I miss having our family together. I miss how we used to always have each other’s backs and fought through every battle we faced together. I miss how we used to be before all this started. I miss how happy we were before all this started. I miss just being happy in general. I’m so messed up…

Yesterday was day 15. So here’s to day 15. I can already tell that day 16 isn’t going to be any better…