Letter to my future love

Dear Love,

Today is difficult. Anxiety of wanting you, but not yet having you, weighs heavy on my chest. At times, it feels like the cards are stacked against me. They say it’s better to have hand and lost, than never to have had at all. And I can’t say it’s something that I agree with.

The love I want and deserve does not come around twice. And I know that once I have had it, and God forbid lost it, I will spend the rest of my days empty.

So when you come, please last. Choose me, choose us, and choose to stay.

For I will forever cherish you to the very last day.

I guess that’s why it hurts, it burns to the level that it does. Because you’re not even here and I can feel it.

I can feel your breath on my neck.

Your hand on the dip of my hips.

Your kiss on my lips.

I can see your smile from across the room.

I can smell your skin after a lazy day in the sun, and an afternoon dip in the lake.

I can hear your voice as you tell me about your day, with so much enthusiasm, it feels like I lived it with you.

Like so far, and every day from the meeting point, I was with you. On your mind and in your heart.

So the fear is real. The fear that you are not a faraway wish, but rather just a fantasy. A joy, never meant for me to feel.

So what if all this hoping, and searching, and wishing, is simply me making empty promises to myself?

What if everything I believe that I can feel in the core of my being is just another lesson in life? That we can’t have it all.

That some of us are meant for greatness. Some of us are meant for great love. And some of us are meant to be forgotten.

What if the most painful one – is me?

You can try and do everything right. You can try and be patient and kind. But what if nothing you do, is set to make a difference?

What if the grandest things in life were already pre-destined for us?

And what if someone like me, wasn’t meant to have you?

What is the best I have, is life with the idea of you?

It would be funny. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. That the girl who never wanted the big houses, the expensive trips or jewels. The girl who just wanted a man, their boy, and their girl is destined for none.

Perhaps “medium” is the best I can do? Perhaps I need to be grateful for what I’ve got, and stop expecting more.

After all, I do have more than most.

Health, home, and pets.

But what if I want more? Is it so bad, so selfish of me to ask for it? Is it so bad, to dare I say, expect it?

Why is expecting more from life such a sin?

Because I’ve not had it as bad as or as hard as some?

I’ve had my hard. I’ve had enough of the hard that was given to me far too young. I do not overlook it. I have learnt from it.

But I also choose to give myself grace.

No, I haven’t had it as hard as it gets. But does that mean I don’t deserve better? That I’m not allowed to ask for better?

For whoever is keeping an eye on this journey, do not perceive me as selfish. For I am only human. With so much love to give.

So my love, I know there is a lesson to be learnt from this. Whatever it may be, I will take it and accept it, as long as you come.

Come and let me love you. Come and be my everything. Come and bear your soul to me. So I can protect it with my entire being.

I often see and hear people describe their dreams of love as something tangible. I struggle to put it into such simple terms. As if me saying “I miss having someone to cuddle” could possibly even begin to describe the feeling of the depth of longing in my heart.

A cuddle – or any of those physical longings can be sufficed by anyone half decent. This emptiness? This, can only be granted by you.

I would love to be gracious and say take all the time you need, but I don’t believe that, and I don’t intend to start pretending, that the wait is easy. They say the wait will make it that much more special. But I disagree.

You don’t need the lessons of time or distance to teach you to appreciate the one thing you’ve always wanted.

I refuse to believe that I only deserve it if I work hard for it, or show restraint, or any of that other crap.

What I do believe in, is that good people, those who are truly ready to grasp it with both hands, and never let it go, should not have to go through such empty, long periods of second-guessing their purpose and destiny.

It was a conscious decision, not to make that claim that good people deserve good things. Because just like beauty, someone’s “good”, can only be measured by the eyes of the beholder.

I do not make silly claims such as I’m a good deserving person. Am I walking around trying to save the world? No.

But I also do not set out with the intent to do anyone any harm.

Therefore, I will also not be accepting any such conclusions as me being a bad, or undeserving person.

You could also say that my habit of pushing people away is not helping me. However, I cannot have people in my life who I can’t be fully myself around. We all know that would, in return, result in hurt.

Writing this letter has helped me cure my anxiety of dating for a fleeting moment.

But in reality, I need you.

I need you more than anything else in my life.

For only when I have you, I can start living my true life, with its true purpose.

So take pity on me, and don’t make me wait too long.

I’m sure you want me in your arms, just as much as I want your arms around me.

Till forever.

Your G.