Day Fourteen: Healing Through Divorce

What a wild ride this weekend has been… for all the tea, go back to my day 12/13 combo. It’s a wild ride… If you’re all caught up for now, here we go with today.

I genuinely had a good weekend. I was totally fine in my decision to sleep with my husband 3 times over a 24 hour period. It gave me a weird sense of satisfaction I guess. It also made me a little happy to know he’s a little miserable. Probably not nice, but it is what it is. He has been texting me all day with his girlfriend right there in the same room with him telling me he loves me and wants me to come back over this week and all that fun stuff. Do I feel bad that I’m the other woman to the other woman? No. Should I feel bad? Maybe, but he’s still my husband. I know I’m completely ruining my healing.

Not only was I losing my husband, I was losing my best friend. We genuinely have fun when we’re together. We laugh and joke and can make any situation fun when we’re together. Losing my best friend and not talking to him every day and seeing him every day is really wearing me down. I lost a piece of me when he left. Had he not had an affair, he would have been a great husband. He was a great husband until the affair.

I went out with a guy tonight, but I made very clear to him it wasn’t a date. I’m not ready for that. Considering I was just in my husband’s bed last night. I told this guy all of this because 1) I don’t lie and 2) I need him to understand where my head is. I will be your friend right now, but this is only day 14 of healing and I’m not ready to let my husband go. He understands all of that. We had great conversation and laughed and he’s genuinely a nice guy. I had a good time. Corey knew I was going, he told me he loved me while I was sitting there with this guy and told me to be careful.

Now that I’m home… I don’t know how I’m feeling. Yes, the guy is nice, but he’s not my husband. I hate that I’m so in love with this guy. Sleeping with him was definitely a poor choice and my therapist isn’t going to be happy. But I apparently just keep making poor choices to hurt my own feelings. I still want him to pull it together and do what he needs to do for his narcissism and other issues he has, but I know he won’t. Letting go is just so damn hard. Like I’ve said before, the process is bullshit. I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. So now I’m struggling. Shocker…

So here’s to day 14.