I’m back on OD

HT: 5′ 6"

CW: 130.0 lbs

GW: 115.0 lbs

I cannot believe I found this diary still here and intact after not using it for 6 years!

So much has changed.  I really don’t know where to start this, but it feels good to be able to journal again so openly and know that I will hopefully gain some support.

I am currently living in an apartment with my boyfriend, Mark, my cute dog and wonderfully sweet cat.  I work part-time as a bookkeeping assistant (boring) and I am going to school part-time for American Sign Language studies and I hope to become an interpreter.

I am also working hard to recover from an eating disorder, which I have had since I began this diary in 2005.  In total I have been in 5 residential treatment facilities and hospitalized numerous times for depression and my eating disorder.  However, I haven’t been in a hospital/facility since last May 2011.  Also I have purged in almost 9 months!!!  Overall, I am proud of this achievement…except when I see the weight I have gained.

I left an eating disorder treatment center after a 60 day stay in 2010 at 117 lbs.  Basically, through tube feedings and eating a balanced diet there, I gained 20 lbs.  I wasn’t happy, but I dealt with it.  Over the next few months, I went up to about 125 lbs and my weight stabilized.  In the beginning of 2011 I grew very depressed and with that came major eating disorder behaviors and I lost about 8 – 10 lbs.  However, I didn’t fall below my "healthy" weight range.  Then came the hospitalizations that ended in May.  I haven’t purged since April.  Unfortunately, my weight crept up to 132.

Since January 1st, I have lost 2 pounds just by modifying my diet.  My biggest downfall right now is exercise.  It’s too cold right now to take long walks with my dog and I have a mental block against the gym.  Basically my fear of the gym is a body image issue.  I feel too fat to walk into the gym as I am.  It’s hard for others to understand, but that’s where I am.

Anyway, that’s a little bit of who I am and where I’ve been.

~Rachel