Decisions to be Made

CW: 97.5 lbs

BMI: 15.7

Ok, wow.  There is a lot to say, but I don’t know how much I’ll go into right now.  I came home for the weekend as you all know to discuss things with my therapist and my psychiatrist.

I had a 2 hour session with my therapist and at the end of it all, we (my healthy side and my therapist) decided that I need a more intensive level of care with the ED.  I see all the signs that I’ve been really slipping and the healthy part of me wants it to be contained and gotten rid of, but then that ED side is just screaming with emotions!

DON’T go!  It’s a fat farm where you’ll be locked up for at least a month (I’m looking at least 30-45 days).  DON’T let go of me!  You need me!  I’m the only thing keeping you as calm as you are as you make these decisions. 

Now how bizarre is that last statement?  But oh so true.  Everytime my family leaves the house for even 15 minutes, I run to my closet of hidden food, binge for a few minutes and purge it really fast before they get back.  I’ve become an expert at it, really.

I can’t stop.  I can’t live without it.  Now I have so many decisions to be made now that I’ve taken this first step.

First off…I have to withraw from school for the semester, which kills me.  I probably won’t get to spend a semester in Europe next semester, which has been my DREAM!  I don’t know if I’ll get to graduate in time, but I’m trying NOT to focus on that.  I’m trying to focus only in the present, in the today and that’s scary enough.

My dad is going to go back up to my school to get my stuff.  EVERYTHING I own is basically in my room up at school.  In fact, I have to face another fear today and buy some cheap clothes for the week, because I literally have NOTHING!  I was only supposed to be home for merely 24 hours, not until I get placed in another hospital.

More anxiety.  I have to pick a place to commit myself to.  I can’t believe I’m sorting through these places where I’m supposedly voluntarily committing myself.  This is nuts.  I’m not going back to the same hospital I went to this past summer.  I guess I’m looking for more residential types of places, and less hospital-like, if that makes any sense.

Last week, I was an emotional wreck.  Having panic attacks and constant anxiety.  This past weekend, I found myself mainly numb and detatched to everything and everyone.  I’m beginning to look at these places, but it’s not connecting that it’s for me at the same time.  I’m see the amount of time, but it doesn’t click that I’m looking to leave my family and friends for at least a month to disappear into one of these places where I will emerge around 30 lbs heavier.

That was, I was numb until last night when I was trying to fall asleep and I couldn’t.  All the thoughts came rushing forward.  I go to sleep and I dream, I have horrible anxiety dreams about trying to find a hospital.  I dream about binging.  (But I must admit I also had a dream last night inbetween all that anxiety where I got to kiss Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom and an ex-TA for a history class.  I almost never have celebrities in my dreams, let alone get to make out with them!  Sorry, way off topic)

I’m trying to center myself and put myself back into that numb state because everything is a lot easier to handle if I stay like that.

I have a lot to do today.  I’ve gotta call my dieitition, who I’m supposed to meet with in an hour up at school.  I need to call a few friends and let them know.  I’ve gotta start calling those damn hospitals and see what they’re really about.  I have to go grocery shopping for my family (and pick up binge food)

My ED is screaming at me.  Making me not believe the family scale, which I don’t because I feel huge right now, even though I’m starting to hit new lows according to the scale.  (Also I tried on a pair of my sister’s pants, size 14 girls, and they fit)  I’m b/p every chance I get because I am afraid it will be my last.  The ED will be ripped away from me soon…or am I ripping it away from myself???

AHHH!!!  Must become numb again or I’ll never make it through the day with so much anxiety.  I’ll keep you all posted.  Sorry I wasn’t able to write or leave notes this weekend.  I’m sure I have a lot to catch up with you guys!

~Rachel