numb & exhausted

CW: 45.4 kg / 100 lbs
BMI: 16.1

b/p – 3

Well the string of purge free days has been broken, but I’m not upset.  I’m not really anything.  I’m just numb and exhausted.  My throat is sore and my glands are swollen, BUT my chest does NOT hurt.  i’ve gotta look at the positives I guess.

I just couldn’t handle the anxiety any longer.  I knew I’d have the house to myself this afternoon and evening, so I gave into the obsessive thoughts and binged and purged.  It’s left me numb, not really calm, but numb.  I b/p twice this afternoon, then had a phone session with my therapist and then b/p once more.

Then I just lay in bed like a zombie for a while and watched Grey’s Anatomy.  I let myself get sucked into the wonderful drama that is Grey’s Anatomy and I left my own numb body behind to become absorbed with the drama and characters.

I’m sorry if I let any of you down with my inability to not purge.  I will try and do better tomorrow.

Right now I’m trying to convince myself to go downstairs and eat dinner, a late dinner, but a dinner nevertheless.

I feel very faint.  I could sleep right now, but I should eat.  I must eat.  My brain has just shut down though.

I need to make myself go downstairs and eat.  I need to convince myself that food is good and that it will keep me alive.

It was a bad day filled with anxiety, close encounters with panic attacks and I buried it.  I purged all feeling and energy away.  I am numb and exhausted.  That is all there is to say.

~Rachel