Weekend Retreat

After yesterday’s entry, I had my appt with the nutritionist and I broke down again.  We went over my movivation levels for wanting to get the ED behind me versus my confidence levels that I could do it.  Scale of 1-10.  I gave motivation a 7.  A good chunk of me wants to get beyond this.  One thing is clear through all of this.  I am not depressed.  I want more than ever to live and have a future.  I want to go to Europe for a semester.  Graduate in art history.  Get my masters  in Art history and begin a job with the subject matter I have such a passion for right now.  I want to meet a wonderful guy and get married.  I want to be able to go out with my friends and focus on the moment and not worry about the calories I eat around them or if there is a private bathroom nearby.  I want to be a normal part of my family, not the labelled sick one.  There’s enough on everyone’s mind without them needing to worry about my damn ED.

But then I said my confidence level was at about a 3.  The ED calls to me when I am alone or when the opportunity arises.  My weight increases a little bit and I digress.  I have a day of anxiety and the ED is there to console me, tells me a b/p will do the trick to calm my nerves.  I am alone and need to fill time, why not use this idle time to take care of all those cravings I bury when I’m being "healthy".  I eat 800 cals a day and my ED calls me a pig.  My stomach is always bloated after a day of 800 cal eating because it’s not used to retaining so much.

It is so hard to describe to people the nature of my ED, because when it comes down to it, I could out eat anyone.  I have the biggest appetite in the world.  But when it comes to the food I actually plan on keeping down, I go crazy counting the cals and freak when more than 7-800 cals stays in my system.  My stomach literally bloats up like that of a starving child in Africa (which my nutritionist says is actually very normal).

So what does this boil down to?  Am I ready to recover?  Yes.  Is it possible for me to do it on my own, working solely with a team on a weekly basis?  That remains unanswered.  The word "hospital" was used quite a bit, not like the hospital I was in over the summer, but some type of residency for ED patients only.

With all of my chest pain scare and my total breakdown, my nutritionist needed me to have a concrete plan for this weekend.  Weekends are the toughest times.  I b/p during the week, but weekends are just terrible.  My friends drink, so I drink and then I purge.  Then I b/p with the excuse that I’m only drunk.  Then during the daytime I spend my time feeling guilty about whatever remained in my stomach and I restrict, only to b/p when my roomies finally leave the house.  I hate the weekends.  So, she said I needed to put myself into a safe situation to where I’m not alone and safe.

My first thought was my best friend, Val.  She’s been there since day 1 when I was thrown against my will into the hospital and she’s known about the ED since last year.  In fact, she was my only friend to brave a hospital visit and that was when I was in the traumatic general psych ward.  I called her up and asked if I could visit her for the weekend.  My ED was out of control and I was told to think of someone who I felt safe with and her name popped up.  She asked no questions and I’m going down to visit her.

I will use this weekend to mull things over.  Will I be able to finish this semester on my own or do I really need more help?  Is it the end of the world to not finish college in those 4 definititive years?  Would I have to give up my dream of Europe?  Can I really stop purging on my own?  I don’t want to die.  I have a lot to think about this weekend.

This entry is long enough and I have to get ready for a phone session with my therapist.  Think we have enough topics to cover today?

Wishing everyone the best this weekend.

~Rachel