Mid-day scare

3:45pm

So I’m sitting in the health service building at my school.  I went to bed a little afraid I wouldn’t wake up this morning because I was still having those chestpains and then, even though I did sleep for around 7 hours, I was so exhausted today!  Walking was an effort.  Breathing deeply was an effort.  I made it to my classes, but I wasn’t so focused.

I was concentrating on my chest.  I have a 4:15 appt with my dietition and I was supposed to see the nurse about my blood test results a few mins beforehand, but I just grew too paranoid, so after my last class ended at 2, I went straight to the health services. 

I broke down into tears with my nurse.  I’ve just been so scared and it just culminated into this breakdown.  She took my bloodpressure, checked my heartrate and pulse.  She also told me my blood results.  Everything was normal except for the bicarbonate (?).  It has to do with ph balances.  But everything else was normal.  They took an EKG and rechecked my blood pressure in 3 positions (laying down, sitting, standing).  Nothing appears out of whack.  (Thank god!)  But I was and still am scared nevertheless.  The nurse said that my chest pain could be caused from straining the muscles in my chest from all the purging.  How wonderful does that sound?

How come so many other girls can be healthy at this weight and my body wants to fall apart? 

The nurse asked me if I really think I can continue on this road of "recovery" on my own, or if in the end it’ll take me getting sent to the ER and losing my rights to make medical decisions for myself and then get sent back to the hospital.

Part of me knows that an ED hospital probably would be an answer, but I can’t face the humiliation along with that.  I couldn’t face my family who believe that this is almost behind all of us.  I couldn’t miss this semester.  I’d fall behind and not graduate on time.  I couldn’t study abroad in Europe.  How did I let it get this far?

~Rachel