Happy Mother’s Day

It’s 8:30pm on Mother’s Day and I’m on the 6th beer in the first 6pack I’ve finished in one evening alone, to myself.

Ive been ruminating all day. Constantly obsessing over my children’s father, wondering why he stopped watching my fb stories, constantly checking to see if he did, to see if he was thinking about me. About them. He didn’t wish me a happy Mother’s Day. I’m trying not to think about him spending time with his other family instead… maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. But I know he’s avoiding me. He’s avoiding what he left behind.

My oldest is asleep. So is the baby. My middle one is watching cartoons until the sun finally sets so I can sit here on my floor in silence, buzzed, waiting for the 5mg thc gummy to kick in to relax and enjoy myself like I was supposed to do this entire day. It’s stupid that it’s like this.

I miss my mom.

My friend told me that this new baby was my mom’s divine planning. I wonder that too, but I also knock myself down by wondering if that’s just a spiritual delusion.
I think the scary reality might be that she’s just gone. That when you die that’s it. The computer is turned off. It feels the same as when the Anesthesiologist puts the mask over your nose and mouth and you slip into nothing. No dream state. Just black. But you don’t wake up. Everything is just gone. Sure, you live on in your loved ones hearts, in the genes of your lineage, but you’re still dead. You live in the same place you did before you were born: Nowhere.

I’d like to think mom planned this. I like to think she’s with me. Watching me and my children. I’d like to think she’s in on Gods plan, like they’re sitting around a long table at the very top of a skyscraper building like a team of executives. I hope that’s true. I know she hoped that was true.

The thought of no afterlife, that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for her. I want there to be somewhere great for her to have made it to. She was so god damn fucking scared. She didn’t want to go. I didn’t want her to die scared but she fucking did. She was fucking terrified.

thats it. I finished the last beer.
im going to feel like shit tomorrow working a job I suck at. A job I wish I thrived in but I just don’t. I feel like the hiring teams disappointment but they keep me out of sympathy but more importantly because they struggle to find and keep employees.

i have so much junk in my chest and in my heart. In this moment i want to say I’ll utilize this account and write in here during my phone time instead of scrolling through fb or playing panda pop or watching YouTube to escape or entertain myself. I’d like to disappear for a little bit and work on myself and come back better. I’ve done it before right?