The Aftermath

So what happens after you finally escape and divorce your spouse who almost killed you due to a secret methamphetamine habit and Narcissistic Personality Disorder? After all the therapy, counseling, grief, doubt, self-loathing, anger, (you get the idea)… After you begin to heal, begin to pull the pieces back and re-arrange them in healthier ways? You try to date again (sometimes months later, sometimes years later, sometimes not at all).

I decided to document how my brain and Ego handle a new phase in my life. Dating. This is going to be about what happens in your head when the CPTSD kicks in. Its already started for the last 3 days. So I decided to just type it out. I type faster than i handwrite – and I have a lot to say – or at least my Ego does….

After I moved out of my home and back into my parents house, i took time to process. Process my marriage (and divorce), my life, my decisions, the impact it had on my children, my family, me.  I left everything of that life in that house – with the exception of my clothing, hair and nail supplies. I left all the furniture, appliances, dishes, sheets, blankets, CDs… its just stuff. stuff that reminds me of him, us, and that nightmare of a life. I took a good 6 months not doing anything but allowing all the emotions to finally surface. And slowly, painfully, carefully and one-by-one, I introduced myself to each of them and apologized for not acknowledging them sooner.

Fast forward. Since then, i had spent time with Joe. He was an ex-coworker that I always thought was very handsome. We barely knew each other back then. One day, out of the blue, he reached out to me and we instantly got along. We spent time together for about a year. I hesitate to say that we dated because Joe could never commit to a ‘term’ like that. Long story short, we did couple-stuff when we were together, but that was when he was in town and available. When he wasn’t in town, I barely got a text from him once a day, if even that much. He seemed to be content with a ‘situationship’ rather than explore a relationship. I did it for a while because it seemed harmless. But I eventually realized that I wanted something more than a friends with benefits type of connection. I also wanted to be completely available for the right person (not tangled up in a situationship) to come along. So I decided to just let it go. I don’t think he seemed to notice much.

Last week, another old friend that I went to college with reached out to me. We have been talking on the phone almost every night. We only said cordial ‘hellos’ to each other when we were in school. So this time around we are getting to know each other better. Lots of conversations about family, spirituality, our past and what lead us to who we are now. Aiden is from a rough neighborhood in Oakland, CA. He has 2 college degrees, is intelligent both in finance and on the streets. We have been getting re-acquainted over the last two weeks.  Lots of phone calls (as he has been traveling for work). He finally made has way back to California after being in Oklahoma, then Arizona. We met up this past Saturday and spend about 5 hours just hangin with his two dogs and one cat. It was really nice to just hang out. He didn’t flirt inappropriately, he didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Seems like everyone is super quick to meet up with a built in expectation of sex or at least heavy flirting and teasing about sex. None of that happened even though we were hanging out in his hotel room with the fur babies. Days prior, i had agreed to pet sit for him on the 8th, 9th and 13th. His pets are adorable and very well behaved, and they loved me. We seemed to get along fine. Lots to talk about, no weird silence. A lot in common which made me feel comfortable. I did reiki on him (and his pets). We had lunch (which i paid for), then later had dinner (which he paid for). The day seemed good, like two old friends hanging out (which was exactly how I had expected it to go). I left about 9pm. We hugged, he asked me to let him know when I made it home. Once I got back, texted him to let him know. Then he texted me to ask how I felt about things overall. I told him that I enjoyed hanging and would like to continue to get to know him better. He said that he felt the same. That was on Saturday.

I didn’t really hear from him on Sunday, although i knew he would be going through his storage unit just 10 miles from where I was staying. I thought he might want to hang a bit on Sunday, but I barely heard from him. That’s when i noticed that he stopped being so responsive. Monday was no better. In fact, I sent a text after noon, i didn’t hear back at all until Tuesday morning after I texted to confirm for petsitting on Wednesday. He texted back saying that he got home after 11pm and that he was currently suffering from bad allergies (even though I brought him that special tea from Ranch 99 Market). Let me tell you, I saw the signs… I felt the pull back. I just wasn’t sure if it was CPTSD or if it was just bad timing on our parts. But no, I believe it was the pull-back. I didn’t receive a call back from him until almost 7:30pm that night. At that point, i was on the way to the store with my son. I tried calling back after the store. No answer. I texted. No response. So i finally decided to just send a final text stating that since we could not seem to connect, i assume that he doesn’t need a pet sitter for the morning and that he should not expect me. And just as I suspected, no response.

The tiny firestorm running through my head was in full force: Does he really own a company? Does he really have all the things he says? Is he single? Am I a ‘roadie’? Was I not attractive or youthful enough? Was it something I did or said? Did I smell? Is it the missing molar when i smile? Did he conveniently forget to reimburse me for the food and tea? Was that the plan? Plans about Tahoe, etc? Rolling Stone or homeless? Delusional or in a fit of grandeur, bragging until he couldn’t fake it? Uncomfortable to look me in my eyes. Talks a good game, but can’t sustain or maintain. Inconsiderate for not acknowledging the inconvenience and lack of communication. Is he on some bullshit? Is he the same? Is it all a lie? How can I know?

It doesn’t matter. All those questions don’t matter. Girl, what are the facts? You offered to petsit. After that, you were offered to start on the same day as the pet sitting. You made the choice to help a friend. The friend then has since reduced the amount of communication. You tried to reach out several times to confirm if petsitting was still required. Several responses stating he would call back shortly, but no definite answer to the direct question. You finally decided to make a decision for yourself and let him know you would not be coming. No response on his part IS a response. You did your part respectfully and mindfully. His actions were inconsiderate, disrespectful of your friendship, time and income. There is no need to ruminate. There is no requirement for explanation or for you to listen to one if offered. No wondering, no questioning. 

i don’t know the reason for the ‘ghosting’. I’m too much, I’m not enough, he isn’t ready, he isn’t interested, he is intimidated, i didn’t give It up, I don’t know the reason… but what I DO know is that I postponed my start date for a new job because I had committed to pet-sitting for a friend in a bind. I would do it for any friend or family member if needed and possible. This friend could not simply pick up the phone to let me know he didn’t need my help anymore. That was inconsiderate. THAT IS A RED FLAG. We tend to want ‘closure’ or at LEAST a half-ass explanation of WTF just happened or why – not that any answer would make it all better and acceptable. However, now, I don’t need the explanation. If he wants to explain, I’ll listen. But for me, if you couldn’t communicate while things were happening, i don’t really take much stock in your explanation after its all done.

The time and energy that I spent on this back and forth are worth it if a lesson is learned and saves time in the future with other dates. But the time and energy are a waste if nothing is learned from the experience time and time again. Figure out sooner and sooner what works, what your minimum standards are. Don’t entertain those who are not meeting the bare minimum.  And i don’t say ‘bare minimum’ as low standard. Its the opposite. Please have higher minimum standards to begin with. What’s the point of dating someone who starts off straddling the fence of what you will and won’t tolerate? Its a ticking time bomb waiting to blow up at the most inopportune time. Remember, HIGHER MINIMUM STANDARDS. You gotta remember, the last time we needed to impose our standards we weren’t as mindful as we are now. We are also more jaded than before – LOL so we can’t go in like we did before – with hearts in our eyes and bonding with matching red flags. 

Standards – how do you set them? Here are my suggestions. 

My standards are not a list of physical, external qualities in the person that I am wanting to share my time and energy with. Instead, its a feeling. Its ALL the feelings. We can say that we like guys with dark eyes, dark hair and a slim build. We can say that we love the blonde hair, blue eyed guys, but there is no physical trait in any human being that makes them guaranteed to be your ‘perfect match’. So, again, how do we create a list of higher standards?

Think of all the typical things that define a relationship. How you treat each other, how that makes you feel, how you’d like to feel. During a disagreement, how do you typically feel, how would you like to feel? Around family and friends – how do you typically feel, how would you like to feel? At work, after work, during work functions – how do you typically feel, how would you like to feel? Regarding finances – How do you typically feel, how would you like to feel? Girls night/Guys night – how do you feel, how would you like to feel? None of these questions take into account your significant other’s wants or needs. You need to THINK, FEEL AND really DECIDE what the minimum standard is that you are willing to accept – because what you allow will continue. The standards you set are to protect you from your own weaknesses (as a human being). YOU know yourself better than anyone else. YOU know what your pitfalls are. YOU have to be completely honest with yourself and face the fact that you’ve been letting energy vampires into your bubble for the cheap ego hits that only last a day or two, ultimately leading you to this point – setting higher minimum standards. So lets stop running on the hamster wheel and actually take care off this shit the right way, k?

Action plan:

On paper or in a spreadsheet, list all the situations that you did not like or that made you feel uncomfortable or small in a relationship. Make sure you leave space to journal your thoughts in between questions. Might want to have a whole page per situation. Think of how that situation dimmed your bright light. Then take the situation – one at a time and really understand (write down) what the situation was, how it made you feel, how you would have liked it to have been handled and what characteristics and qualities are needed in someone to make you feel safe and supported in that instance. Do this with those situations that bother you the most FIRST. We tend to put off the worst memories for last in an attempt to save our hearts and minds from the painful feelings that still hurt us. But if you could taking the time to really look at it and have the ability to understand (emotions aside) what has happened, its easier to identify the problem, know the signs, raise that standard and hopefully prevent the same crappy thing from happening to you again. Wiser for the lesson because of the heartache.

On another note, I think I’m gonna go to a Poetry Slam tonight. Something different. By myself, but maybe I’ll make some new friends out there.