Complete 180
I guess the universe didn’t think I was ready to be happy.
I saw a complete different side of him last night. It was ugly. He said some UGLY things. I’m actually mildly afraid of him. I’m afraid of doing something wrong. I woke up in a complete panic and it hasn’t gone away. He told me he lashed out because it was the only way I’d learn. That feels like “you made me do this”s cousin.
And because I’ve been telling people for two months how wonderful he is, how happy I am, how I think he’s “the one”…. Im afraid to tell anyone what happened or how I’m feeling because I don’t want to look stupid. I’m afraid to end it for the same reason. So for now I feel like I will just stick it out and try not to do anything wrong, but now I feel like all the sweet things he’s said and done was love-bombing.
Im reflecting on a LOT right now, tbh…. And I think it’s all been 100% love bombing. That hurts so much because I 100% meant everything I said I felt about him. Now I feel stupid. I need to pull away and I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who I can tell. I’m only 1 session into therapy with my new therapist and don’t know if I can bring it up yet when I have other things I need to bring up.
For now, the plan is to just…. Not do anything he’d consider to be a “fuck up”. Last night the fuck up was asking when he’s going to finalize his divorce, which agitated him. Then he asked about living together and I said I wouldn’t want to make moves until he was divorced. He reminded me that it’s in the works, and that they haven’t been together in 13 years. I told him I know, but the state of NJ doesn’t see it that way, and that he’s still someone’s husband- and that I wouldn’t want to live with someone’s husband, so to finalize his divorce and we would talk about living together. So he went on a long rambling rant about that, about why they’re only married on paper, when I said I still felt weird living with someone with a wife even on paper, he kinda started losing it and kept accusing ME of accusing HIM of cheating, and it just didn’t stop. Him berating me, calling me every name in the book, accusing me of being a whore who sleeps with married men (like, if I saw him as being ACTUALLY married why have I been seeing him in the first place, “I guess sleeping with married men doesn’t bother you THAT much does it?? If you think I’m married and still fucking me anyway, guess you’re one of those whores that breaks up families and marriages” and shit like that)
Hes always told me I could tell him when something bothers me. Now I don’t think I’ll be able to do that. I don’t know… this feels awful.
I just got a text that he slept in his car last night because I upset him so much last night and that I need to get my shit together so that things like that don’t happen again. He hit me with all of the I love yous and what not…. I want out of this whole thing and feel like I can’t get out. I don’t know what to do.
I fuck a LOT of things up, but in this case I don’t know what I did. Maybe I could have worded my concerns differently? Maybe instead of “get divorced first and then we’ll talk about it.” I could have reiterated “I don’t feel comfortable living with you before the divorce is finalized” and also that by the time it IS finalized it will be a slightly more appropriate time for that conversation about living together anyway.
The night ended with me groveling and apologizing and right now I’m mad at myself for it. I’m NOT sorry. And I’m mad that I said it, and I’m mad that he now THINKS I’m sorry, which also feeds into his crap that he’s right and I’m wrong. I’m so agitated
Full stop. Trust your instinct to recognize the red flags you’re seeing. Love bombing is not love. Yes. That hurts because you really, truly have love feelings for him. You should and do need to talk this out loud to someone and who better than your therapist. You may have begun therapy to address other concerns, but think of it this way; do you want to be recounting this situation 10 years from now? If you deal with it now, it doesn’t have the time to grow into something more unmanageable. If you have fear of this guy and have to walk on eggshells regarding how you say something, it’s time to go. The gaslighting that was happening when you laid a perfectly reasonable boundary of not moving forward until his divorce was finalized is a huge red flag. If he’s not respecting a simple boundary now, think of how much worse it would be if you were living together and his mindset changes to “I’ve got you”. Early in the relationship people are usually on their best behavior. Take into account that this is his version of ‘best behavior’.
I apologize for writing a book and hope it doesn’t come off as too preachy, but I’ve worked in social services for 15 years and over and over I’ve heard similar stories from so many women about how their domestic violence stories began. Trust your instinct. Hold your boundaries. Walk away if you must. Being alone can feel scary, but being abused is scarier. Sending you all the love, warmth and courage you need and deserve!
@celestialflutter I know you’re completely right. The stupid thing is that I promised myself I’d never be here again. That I’d never be with this type of toxic and that I’d never again BE this type of toxic and right now here I am mad at myself for finding it so hard to leave. Also proud of myself for SEEING it so early this time, but I’m kicking myself for struggling with it because of how I feel about him. I sent him a text saying I think the smartest thing for us to do is to both think about what we want out of this and if we think this is a good fit.
Im not afraid of being alone- in fact I LOVE it. A LOT. I can’t understand people who complain about it. For me it’s like “you get to do whatever you want, talk to whoever you want, go wherever you want…. WHENEVER you want, HOWEVER you want….what’s the issue???” …. I LOVE being single. Maybe TOO much. But I’m struggling because I’ve talked about him so much. I’ve told everyone how in love I was with him. I never do that. Our first date ended and I was certain I’d just gone on my last first date. I told my friends and family “I’m going to marry him”
And now here I am having to walk those words back and go “nevermind yall, I was just stupid as hell for a minute, sorry, won’t happen again, carry on” lol
it’s humiliating.
@celestialflutter but I also wanted to thank you for your comment. It didn’t come off as preachy and everything you said is spot on. I appreciate you taking the time to comment all of that. Especially to a complete stranger. Thank you so much.
@loops I guarantee you that when you tell your family and friends how he acted with you, they will 100% agree with you. <3
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