Why

I don’t know what I think I’m doing back here, but I don’t really have another space to talk freely without causing hurt to others.

Kyle and I have been together almost a year. We live together. We keep an open line of communication. This can be good and, as I’ve recently discovered, bad. The night before last, he divulged that he is still in love with his ex, or an idealized  version of his ex, that doesn’t even exist. This is why he can’t show me affection properly or be intimate. We live like roommates. How do I compete with a person that isn’t even real? How does he get through it and over it so he can be a whole person again? Is it possible?

My depression is soaring on this development. I haven’t felt like this since Justin and I split up, and that was 17 years ago. I feel listless, and purposeless. The man I’ve been in love with for the better part of a year just told me he is in love with an imaginary version of his ex.

I stepped off social media for a bit, but I can’t even bring myself to do things I like anymore. YouTube used to be my goto for my true crime and nerdy interests, now I try to go to it and I’m tired before I even click on something, so I just leave it.

I am dangerously close to not wanting to live. What’s the point?