When did you lose your smile?

I remember when I was fifteen, and my first love would call or email me on yahoo messenger lol and I would get butterflies and all gitty. I’d smile from ear to ear. My first love lived some months 3 hours from me and other months 6 hours from me. We saw each other every few months. My parents let him stay with us during the summer, they trusted both of us completely. Loved him and we’d go visit his family and go fishing. Our families were intertwined. The first time I got my heartbroken was by him. He was 17 cheating on me with his best friends mom she was 34. A piece of my innocence died that day I found out. I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest. Nobody expects your teenage boyfriend to be sleeping with his best friends mom. SMH. Fast forward next love…he was older i was 17 he was 22 he had a kid. we were together for a few years, got engaged, I was going to graduate and move over there to Houston with him. How naive? Well his son passed away in a car wreck and me and my sister took off to go show our condolences after all I am the man’s fiance. SMH i get there and there is a pregnant FIANCE next to him. I HAD NO CLUE. he promised it was amistake and he’d be back for me, and he never did although for many many many years we stayed best friends. Even now after years of not talking, if I needed anything I could find him ask him for help and he’d come through no questions asked and no debts to be paid back. I kind of wild n out after that. I became what you would call a “hoe” a “player” I would only sleep with one person, but i’d have men lined up so if that an broke my heart it was on to the next before I could cry for more then 24 hours. I was over it. I was in college, working, had an apartment and met “Jerone” lol well after a month of dating “Jerone Ramirez, found out his name was actually Jerry Gonzales lol …he lied …why you ask? Because he had a babymama and was playing the both of us. No matter how many times I tried to kick my first live in boyfriend out he wouldnt budge. I tried leaving he’d come back begging crying, I got pregnant. He told EVERYONE  it was his best friends baby, when I’d never been with his best friend. Turned his entire family against me. AT 6 months pregnant I went into labor, he showed up to the hospital and we held our deceased daughter as he said she looked exactly like him and his family. Of course me and my big mouth asked if i should call Gabriel to come see her since she was “his” and he gave me the death stare. His family came and they couldn’t deny my beautiful girl, she had all their features. looked exactly like them. She just didn’t make it. I left that hospital empty handed and the day i laid my baby to rest i had to hunt her father down for her funeral because he was too high to function and had hickies all over his neck…she died  on september 11, 2006 and by December I had left him in the dirt and started going out. i lost a total of like 60lbs looked the best I’ve ever looked but inside I was hurting. I couldnt eat, I never stayed home I was always at a club. I didn’t do drugs or drink I just could not be home with my own thoughts. in 2007 I met my ex husband, a cheater, a liar, physically mentally emotionally abusive, but loved me more then you could imagine. Was it love though? You ask him today, he will tell you he regrets everything he did to me, that he was young and on drugs and that he still loves me more then hes ever loved anyone. I know this because hes apologized to me every time i run into him and tells me how much he wishes we were still married. Cleary I wasn’t the problem lol there either. in 2008 we split up and I met Jason. I have nothing bad to say about Jason, he was sweet and kind. He took me dancing fishing, loved on me every chance he got would drink and sing to me. Take me around his friends protected me. Only thing wrong with us was right person, wrong time. He had an ex who would hold his daughter if she found out he was with me and he’d miss his daughter and end up going back because that was her leverage. He was honest each time he left. I ended up getting pregnant with a daughter. He was happy and wanted her to have my big brown eyes. He’d hold my hair while i had morning sickness. He was great. I told him to go back to his ex because I saw how much he missed Rilee. I went back to my ex husband well he was my husband still. My husband at the time knew about Jason knew I was pg by him and wanted to “raise her” as his own. Me and Jason went out seperate ways I changed my number he had no way to contact me. I lost my daugher at 5 months in May. My husband beat me right after. slept with vikki numerous times and never stopped cheating or hitting me. Drug me through the house smothered me with pillows held me underwater would choke me til i almost passed out would accuse me of thigns he was seeing that weren’t happening. The man was evil. i got pg by him smh pendeja I know..Lost my son on January 1 2010 while he was out fucking around and doing coke. I was 5 months pregnant. I buried 3 kids before i was 25 years old. I divorced my husband shortly after, I didnt love him anymore and I knew that. I held on to my marriage for years because I didnt want to be divorced. I let him go. I moved on I met people, dated, started living my life again! i WENT PLACES i stayed places, I went out I sang karaoke, I went dancing I went to concerts I was healing! I was not completely happy, but I was better then I had been in years. Jason and I picked back up where we left off and we continued doing that for many years always the wrong time, but always stayed in contact when we were single. Every time we thought about it going somewhere something would happen and it wouldn’t happen. in 2012 I met Luis, he was tall handsome a hard worker didn’t do drugs never hit me never called me out my name I was in college and he talked me into having a baby. Guess what after 3 failed pregnancies I had a daughter Jocelyn in 2013, but Luis although seemed amazing and he was as a friend but not as a boyfriend he couldnt stop cheating on me. He told me once it isn’t you this has nothing to do with you. you do everything a woman is supposed to everything a man wants a woman to do , but this is who I am. I left while pregnant with Jocelyn but it broke my heart because I wanted my family together I chased after Luis for many years after that until I realized it was going nowhere and he met rachel and they got married. (He still a cheater) I met Jerry in 2014 or 15 and that man mooched, he lied from day one and i got stuck living with him. well him with me and I tried to moveon from Luis by staying with him and I could never fall in love with him. i tried for many years to fall in love with him, but I couldnt. I loved him for loving my daugher and me but he was abusive towards me and it made me hate him. I just settled. We split up and Jason was there each time. In 2016 I met Aaron, who I am with now. Aaron was a womanizer from the first day. I can’t tell you all that went on there, it’s way too much to explain we had so many on again off again moments I lost count. I got pregnant with my second daughter Jessenia in 2016 aaron went back to his ex told me to have an abortion, and went back to live his own life ended up in prison. I went back to Jerry who gave Jessenia his last name and was there while I had her and he knew she wasn’t his. The abuse didn’t stop ever the drugs never stopped so I ended up leaving or better yet let me just be honest I cheated on jerry with aaron and aaron answered my phone because I was too scared to leave or tell jerry to gtfo i had been saying it for months and he wouldn’t leave he’d punk me and made me leave my own house. So aaron gets him to leave. Once he leaves Aaron went back to his ex lol like WTF he did this for years back and forth between me and other women mostly Jerrica but other women Amanda, Crystal, Reba, Jerrica, Adrien, Becky, Addie, NANI, tila, courtney, angie…there are soooo many more but those are the ones ii KNOW he bounced back and forth with oh and Paige FELICIA. he was engaged to some of these women each time he got locked up. we split up he got engaged to tila i met jeremie. Jeremie said he couldnt have kids and BAM heres my son lol…smh Cant ssay i regret it my son’s my light, but i regret who it was with. He wasnt a bad guy still isn’t that i know. Never hit me but he did love his ex and that was his fault we were each others rebound and i got pg and she came back and he left to be back with her. We tried to get back together for dakota, but I didnt love him or feel any sexual desire for him at all. It just wasn’t there at all. I made him leave. Aaron got back with me when iw as 8 months pregnant said he’d raise dakota and he has he was there when he was born he named him and he loves him as his own he’s never treated him bad or different. Right after Dakota Aaron got me pregnant iwth baby Erryn smh, then aaron left again for brittany , and then ended up back in prison and was with this girl named Felicia. HE got engaged to her. Did i mention right before i met jeremie jason came back around and wanted me to go to florida to go see him. He was going to pay for the entire trip, wanted me to have his baby, i chickend out and didn’t go. I met jeremie and had my son. I didn’t talk to jason after that, in 2022 Jason died.  Not sure how it did look like foul play, but i never got the entire story. I cried all night I cried the entire day of the funeral. I still cry sometimes when i hear jason aldean or a song by carly pearce called show me around. I still cry. I’m crying now hell. I can hear him saying how stupid I am for staying with this man. Aaron is who I write about. Aaron is who is ugly to me and I stay. The point of all of this is me trying to find out when I lost who I was. lost me. Aaron has sent me pics and vidoes of him sleeping with girls hes beat me in a car while i was pregnant. He’s beat me down back roads, made me get naked to search me while driving because he said i stole five bucks from him smh and it was in the house by the way. He has wrecked my cars, he has done horrible things said horrible things and yet every time he goes to jail he’s perfect because hes SOBER. when he’s sober hes a dream, then when hes free hes good for a while and then his demons grab him and hes back to being the devil. I can’t tell you when I lost my smile, I know I lost a piece of me each time I buried a baby. I lost a piece of me when jason died. Jaime my ex husband broke me down, but Jason picked me back up and put me back together. I stayed happy….I was happy up until 2016 when i got pg and got left, i found my happiness again with aaron and my child and it was okay for a while. i havent been the same since 2018 when he first put his hands on me. He has told me more ugly things in the last 8 years than ive heard in my life and I no longer even like looking at myself in the mirror. I dont wear make up, because he says i look like a clown. I can’t wear the clothes I want because if it shows any cleavage he has ripped it up. I barely got me some new sexy panties a few weeks ago because hes torn up every  bra or panty that i owned that had lace. He’s ripped up every shirt that had lace and ripped up jeans with holes in them. I had no nice clothes up until a month ago when i decided I’m going to splurge on myself and I have been the last 3 months I’ve been buying stuff for ME. Today’s a bad day, I feel broken.My smile …its a distant memory. My mind never stops it doesnt turn off it replays every bad thing he says. I cry more times a day then i laugh or smile. I’m  by myself while hes on his phones in the restroom. Today he took my car to town and stopped answering my calls ortexts and disappeared for a few hours. To come abck empty handed and say i was at walmart. GUESS i was born last night. Idk im rambling kind of manic. I’m losing myself more each day. Why couldnt he just love me back? He’ll tell you I cheated on him. Let me tell you his version of cheating…we split up he was with other women living with them sleeing with them and I slept with a friend of his….in my defense the guy said they were just smoking buddies anyways i did that and i talked to whom i wanted while i was single and he says I CHEATED because i tol dhim i wanted him and only him smh I did but he was with other people was i supposed to just sit around? IDK he says i talk to ppl now i dont. he says i have lied, and i have but its hard to tell the truth to someone who only hears what they want and will beat your ass if its something they dont like that they hear. anyways WHEN DID YOU LOSE YOUR SMILE?

REST EASY JASON YOU WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS BE MISSED