Confession

I haven’t told many people this if any to be honest, but I thought maybe some of you could relate to this confession. but anyone that has read my previous posts probably knows.

I have a drinking problem,

It’s not that I drink every day because I don’t, but when I do drink, one is too many and ten is not enough,

I just can’t help myself, regardless of the commitments I have the next day, family commitments, work anything I don’t care about, or how much it upsets my wife or anyone else, to be honest, I just must get drunk. Never by myself, but I think I drink for cause and effect rather than enjoyment.

Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy it, I think.

I don’t know if the best thing for me is to probably stop altogether. But I don’t want to.

I don’t want to be that socially awkward guy in the corner that doesn’t drink because there are times when if I’m not drinking that’s exactly me, I’m not the social butterfly that is Tee, I hide away so I don’t need to talk with people.

Valium has helped with this on occasion when I’m not drinking at a function or event (which is rare), but it’s not a safe alternative.

I honestly don’t know what I should do, I’m always bullshitting myself and others when drinking particularly when the wife asks about the quantity of what I drank. I get defensives for days, weeks afterwards whenever she tries to bring it up. I have gaps in most scotch nights (monthly catchup with old work colleagues) where I don’t remember conversations, or shit I’ve said.

I know it hurts her feelings and others too if they knew the truth, I know she worries about me. But it makes me angry when she mentions it, for no reason in particular other than I’m allowed to drink why shouldn’t I drink?

I’ve done silly shit, really embarrassing shit, stupid and dangerous shit but I don’t think of the consequences when I’m drunk of course I regret them after the fact but never at the time.

Maybe it’s something I need to talk to my shrink about.

I needed to get it off my chest to someone. I’m not asking for advice or help, or maybe I am I don’t know. But anyway. Thanks for reading.