Completely Worthless

NOTE: This is going to be a pretty scattered entry, which may not make any sense on the surface.  To me, it might.  I’m just grabbing the keyboard and I’m just jotting down my feelings.  She put me through a lot this week and because I don’t have any other outlets, writing in Open Diary is basically my only means of expressing my pain, frustration, and anger in what I believe is a healthy way.  This entry will be written in the form of a letter, which I think will be the easiest way for me to communicate what I’m feeling. 

To You:      

This has been an especially rough week for me.  I suspect that this might have also been an equally tough week for you, but I’m doubting that.  You have again left me feeling all kinds of things, mostly negative, just like you did towards the beginning of 2024 and I am struggling to deal with it all…once again.  Regrettably, I’m back on this fucking rollercoaster all over again. 

I’ll never know what prompts these sort of changes in you, but what I do know, is that in the end, I’m always left feeling like I’m very much part of the out-group, like I don’t matter anymore.  I don’t mind being left out of most things, but every time this kind of shit happens, I’m sitting here by myself, going through a whirlwind of emotions and perhaps even some heartbreak.  Time heals all wounds and I’ve always believed that.  What I don’t like is when it’s the same wound that keeps being ripped the fuck open.  You continue to leave me in such a vulnerable position and I hate it because I feel like I can never see things coming and I can’t defend myself beforehand.  I don’t know if this is something that you can ever help, but it still sucks that you continuously sneak this sort of stuff on me, because each and every time, it always feel like a cold and bitter, “Fuck you”.  No one is going to like feeling that way and yet, this is now the second time in nearly three months that I’ve had to go through this same shit.

This hurts each and every time you do this to me and I guess in the end, I have no one to blame but myself because I continue to let it happen. 

You called me on the phone today, in the late afternoon, just to say goodbye to me because you didn’t get the chance to do so before I left.  I truly felt that you did that out of this weird intent to somehow throw me a bone, like by doing so, you’re doing me a favor and taking pity on me.  That’s a shitty feeling to have.  You don’t have to do that kind of thing, especially if it truly happens to be because you pity me.  I don’t need pity.  I don’t need you to feel sorry for me.  I really don’t.                           

It looks like I return to being on the outside looking in.  There’s a world in there that I used to be a part of, one where I no longer feel I belong anymore. 

I left myself vulnerable today.  Very vulnerable.  I allowed myself to cry in front of someone for the first time in a long time.  I really regret doing that, because I feel like I left myself in a position to be ridiculed and made fun of.  I guess there was a lot of hurt to which I was subjected and I wasn’t ready for it.  Even as I write all of this, I am still hurt and feeling like absolute shit.  Feeling like this fucking sucks and I hate it.

I don’t know what the future holds.  At this point, I don’t even know what tomorrow holds.  I’ve reached a point where I don’t care.  There’s not much to look forward to as it is. 

I never thought I’d be the type to do this, but I wouldn’t mind if I came down with a migraine or some other kind of health condition.  At least with some kind of medical malady or something wrong with me physically, I’d have something else on which to focus my attention.  My diabetes is under control.  Maybe I just stop caring and let my blood sugar levels go to shit?  That’s how much I just don’t care anymore.                          

We’ll see how things go tonight as I look to get some sleep with all of the stuff I have going on I my head.  I don’t sleep much as it is, but with the way that I’m feeling, I can’t really say how the night will go.    

Strangely, you had even wished me a good night when we last spoke and I couldn’t help but feel that too came off as very disingenuous.  Again, I can’t help but feel that you’re throwing me bones out of pity, like you’re doing me a favor.  I hate feeling and thinking that way, but those thoughts continue to linger.

My eyes are drying out as I struggle to write more because I can’t see clearly.  Maybe that’s my body shutting down for the night and also a sign that I’ve reached the lowest that I think I’ll feel today. 

Indeed, we’ll see how tomorrow goes, but I will tell you this.  I am not confident that I will have an even remotely good day.  I’m already going in with the mentality that tomorrow is also going to suck.  I’ll deal with it, but I do anticipate a struggle.  I’m just going through the motions at this point, with no real reason to become emotionally invested in anything.  I’ll pretty much be inhaling and exhaling with not much else taking place in between breaths. 

Life pretty much sucks at this point.  It truly does. 

Signed,

Veritable Moron