Friendships – Chaotic & Hectic Ramblings

Here I am for Day 2 of the 80 day challenge of doing some daily journaling. I am not feeling this activity today as my allergies are kicking my ass and my shins are in pain from the daily walking. But I am determined to push through, so here I am drinking some water to flush out whatever sickness I have and still doing my daily workouts.

My day started off fine as I took a shower, did my make-up, and was on my way to work on time. it was my turn to buy Starbucks so I was happy that I was going to make it on time. however as I was pulling up to the Starbucks, I realized that I forgot my protein shake at home. I was determined to have my coffee so I went to Albertsons to buy an overpriced protein shake but I allowed myself to have it. I must have made an impression on my barista because he upgraded my tea for free and wrote happy faces on my cup. he definitely wasn’t my type but it was flattering to say the least.

After grabbing my coffee and protein shake, I made it to work barely on time as if I was concerned about being late. Coffee is essential plus my boss was not going to be here today, so I was worried. I even took the stairs. I walked to D’s office and gave her the tea I bought her and left briefly because I wasn’t feeling well and did not have the energy to listen to her rambling of stomach pain. I don’t know what’s going on with me but this week D and my sister have been on my nerves.

I think that sometimes D irritates me because she is so negative and constantly judging, I know we have a 13 year age gap but at times I feel like she is constantly correcting me and telling me that I am wrong. But if I try to correct her then she finds ways to undermine me. I usually stay quiet because I hate confrontation but sometimes I can not keep it in and I become snippy. Then we just go back and forth until one of us apologizes. Lastly, I thing our issues stem from a lack of boundaries. She wants a lot more from me then I want/can give her. I know its because she is lonely but I cannot commit to that and she knows that. We are friends, but we have issues. I’m not sure how to correct it because I do not want to lose her and enjoy her company most of the time.

I don’t know if this feeling will pass. I do not think I am good at friendships. I am either all in or all out. I quiet quit relationships. sometimes I have no idea what trigger it but it is easy for me to be turned off. god writing this out really helped. I didn’t realize how much of an issue this really was until now.

Well that’s enough for now. see you tomorrow? hopefully.

2/80