Tough girl

So today was a very good day. I posted something on my story that said, “When you want to text someone but the voices say to STFU,” and my ex replied to it, asking if it was about him, and sadly, it was. He joked and said, “You wanted me to text first.” I said no; I didn’t think he would reply to it honestly. We talked for awhile; I mean, it was good, I guess. The guy I had been talking to, whom I dropped, posted like five girls on his story with heart-eye emojis, and that made my doubts clear. He was talking to other girls while talking to me; I mean, that wouldn’t be wrong except he was acting like he owned me, which I had to clear up. Out of toxicness, I liked all his stories, and later I found out he took them down. I could see everything but that. I also started talking to my friend, whom I hadn’t talked to for like a year or two. He commented that I became more sensitive, and so I asked my ex if that was true, because he knows me a lot. He disagreed, saying I have this “tough girl” act now and I act like my friends, which I’m doing to fit him into my label “friend” and not “my ex” or “the guy I’m stuck up on,” but he doesn’t know I haven’t talked to my friend in a year. I later went to my community college with my friends; we were just walking around a building we’d never been to before, but I have with my ex. When I thought, “Is this his building?” I saw him from afar coming into the hall, to which I froze. I wanted to turn back because my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my chest. But as we walked past him, I had my head down; I could never make eye contact with him. and then I was shaken. My friends did not notice, and I did not tell them, but I was shaking horribly, and it was because I saw him. and he looked so pretty, so beautiful, and so handsome that I knew seeing him would affect me so badly. and he said he nodded to me, which I did not see because I had my head down. He was mad because of my reaction—how I jumped and froze. I don’t know what he expects from me when he knows I’ve always been like that. I’ve always had the same reaction when seeing him. I could never make eye contact with him. He said it hurt him, which surprised me. He would be angry that it did, but I don’t care. He said he tries to be friends with me and that he has hope. friends? I don’t know what makes him think I can just be friends with him. I told him I wasn’t ready to see him, that I would panic at seeing him, and that if he wanted to be friends, I could try, but I couldn’t do that. I told him if he wanted to stop, then I was here until he did. and I hate that I’m still giving him the option to leave me or stay when I know I should be the one leaving. If I don’t leave, I won’t heal; if I don’t leave, hell, keep hurting me; he hurts me without even knowing it; he hurts me when he talks to me like I’m a friend; he pissed me off today, and I told him, “Fuck you, bru.” I’m never like that with him, and I do it because he does it. I hate being treated like just a friend to him. I have to stop expecting that he’s going to treat me like his girlfriend, like I’m everything to him, because I know that’s not the fucking case anymore. I’m basically no one to him but his first love, whom he’s forgetting and trying to move on from. He says, Why am I still tying him to me, but why is he doing the same? I hate this so bad. I just wish I could go back to the time when me and him were happy, driving around, me putting music on and us vibing together, singing our hearts out, and me being his passenger princess. He had said he would costume the passenger just for me, but everything we had is now in the trash. I hate how he wants me to move on from him and how he tries to motivate me because he doesn’t know how much it hurts. He said today, “We are complete opposites; we never should’ve gotten together.” I was internally hurting badly because of that, and I told him I didn’t feel that way. It doesn’t matter how much he regrets me, how much he hates me, or how much it hurts when he says that; I will never feel like that. and I hate him for keeping me in his life because that’s what we are both doing—keeping each other in our lives. He has a girlfriend; would she know? Would she be okay with it? I mean, who’s ever okay if their partner is still talking to the girl he broke up with a month ago and has been with for a whole year, not to mention it’s his first love? I wish I could just steal him from her because, truly, he’s talking to me for a reason; he still has feelings for me. I want to believe that, but really, I doubt it. My parents gave me news that I can work with them on Friday and all of next week, and I’m so happy. I might see the guy who I was talking to, though, but it’s okay. After talking about this, tonight I cry myself to sleep because my ex continues talking to me, continues hurting me, continues treating me like I’m just a friend, and continues being the one I’m in love with.g on my story that said “when you want to text someone but the voices say to stfu” and my ex replied to it asking if it was about him, and sadly it was. he joked and said “you wanted me to text first huuuh” I said no I didn’t think he would reply to it honestly. we talked for awhile, I mean it was good I guess. the guy I had been talking to, whom I dropped, posted like 5 girl on his story with heart eye emojis and that made my doubts clear, he was talking to other girls while talking to me, I mean that wouldn’t be wrong except he was acting like he owned me which I had to clear up. out of toxicness I liked all his story and later I found out he took them down, I could see everything but that. i also started talking to my friend whom I didn’t talk to for like a year or two, he commented that I became more sensitive and so I asked my ex if that was true, because he knows me alot, he disagreed said I have this “tough girl” act now and I act like his one of my homies, which I’m doing to fit him into my label “friend” and not “my ex” or “the guy I’m stuck up on” but he doesnt know I haven’t talked to my friend in a year. I later went to my community college with my friends, we were just walking around a building we’ve never gone before, but I have with my ex. when I thought “is this his building” I saw him from afar coming into the hall to which I froze. I wanted to turn back because my heart felt like it was gonna pop out of my chest. but we walked past him, I had my head down, i could never make eye contact with him. and then I was shook. my friends did not notice but I was shaking horribly, and it was because I saw him. and he looked so pretty, so beautiful, so handsome, I knew seeing him would affect me so bad. and he said he nodded to me which I did not see because I had my head down. he was mad because of my reaction, how I jumped and froze. I don’t know what he expects from me when he KNOWS I’ve always been like that, I’ve always had the same reaction when seeing him. I could never make eye contact with him. he said it hurt him which surprised me, he would be angry that it does but I don’t care. he said he tries to be friends with me, that he has hope, hope? friends? I don’t know what makes him think I can just be friends with him. I told him I wasn’t ready to see him, that I till panick at seeing him, that if he wanted to be friends that I could try but I couldn’t do that, I told him if he wanted to stop then I was here until he did. and I hate that I’m still giving him the option to leave me or stay, when I know I should be the one leaving, If I don’t leave I wont heal, if I don’t leave hell keep hurting me, he hurts me without even knowing it, he hurts me when he talks to me like I’m a friend, he pissed me off today and I told him “fuck you bru” I’m never like that with him and I do it because he does it. I hate being treated like just a friend to him, I have to stop expecting like hes gonna treat me like his girlfriend, like I’m everything to him because I know that’s not the fucking case anymore, I’m basically no one to him but his first love whom he’s forgetting and trying to move on from. he says why am I still tying him to me but why is he doing the same. I hate this so bad I just wish I could go back to the time when me and him were happy, driving around, me putting music and us vibing together, singing our hearts out and me being his passenger princess. he had said he would costumize the passenger sit just for me, but everything we had is now in the trash, I hate how he wants me to move on from him, how he tries to motivate me because he doesn’t know how much it hurts, he said today “we are complete opposites, we never should’ve gotten together” now that internally hurt, badly, I told him I didn’t feel that way, it doesn’t matter how much he regrets me, how much he hates me, how much it hurts when he says that, I will never feel like that. and I hate him for keeping me in his life because that’s what were both doing, keeping each other in our lives. he has a girlfriend, would she know? would he be okay with it? I mean who’s ever okay if theyre partner is still talking to the girl he broke up with a month ago and has been with a whole year, not to mention its his first love. I wish I could just steal him from her because truly he’s talking to me for a reason, he still has feelings for me, I want to believe that but really I doubt it. my parents gave me news that I can work with them on Friday and all of next week and I’m so happy, I might see the guy who I was talking to though buts it okay. after talking about this, tonight I cry myself to sleep because my ex continues talking to me, continues hurting me, continues treating me like I’m just a friend, and continues being the one I’m in love with.