Feeling Out Loud

I know that I need to give her more credit than I do, as much as it pains me to admit it.  I don’t always recognize her own internal and emotional struggles, even though she habitually tells me that she is experiencing the exact same feelings inside that I am.  I always feel that I’m alone in all of this, as though she has moved on with her life and I’m left with all of the pain and hurt that comes with being left in the proverbial cold.  She tells me that she carries the same emotional burden that I do, but often, I struggle to believe this.  Again, I tend to feel that I am alone, left to deal with everything by myself, while she gallivants calmly into tomorrow.

I tell her often that I miss her and the way that things used to be.  She has to feel my sincerity and hear it in my tone, because I have no reason to say such things if I truly didn’t mean any of it.  We were so happy then, to a degree anyway, but things had to change.  They had to, at least on her end and much to my dissatisfaction, and I’m dealing with those changes.  She tells me that these changes have also been difficult for her too and yet, I doubt her constantly.  I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Then she had to go and ask me something that a small part of me wishes that she hadn’t.  I don’t blame her all that much though, though this is likely because of the answer that I got.

She asked me about as simply as a woman could ask a man, “Do you feel the tension here between us?”  Thing is, she left a word out of that question when she asked me this, but I know that we both filled in that missing word, in our minds anyway.  I knew what she meant.  She meant to ask me if there was still that sexual tension between us.  Try as I might, I knew that I couldn’t lie to her.  Besides, even if I had lied, she would have seen right through it.  She knows me that well and I knew it.

My answer could not have been any more succinct.  I told her without needing to think about it for more than a few moments, “Yes, I do”.

Maybe this was reassuring for us, to know that the other still maintains those same feelings that we developed for each other several months earlier.  In that regard, it almost feels like nothing has changed and even that is comforting.

I suppose it would be silly of me to deny that my feelings for her still exist.  I do care about her.  I miss her when she is away.  I think about her often.  Deep down inside, I still love her.  She knows this.  At least, I want to think that she knows this.  If it ever came down to it, I know that I still have the strength to look into her beautiful brown eyes and tell her that I love her.  Maybe feelings like that never die, though maybe they might cool down a bit.

She remains a very special person to me, just as she ever was.  As eloquent as I can be, I’ll admit that sometimes I struggle to find the exact words to say just how much she means to me.  As easy as writing all of this might be, I am supremely confident that if I was ever given the opportunity to say all of this to her in-person and to her face, I would not falter, hesitate, or stutter (as I have been known to do at times) to do so.

Time and chance…that’s all I’d need to remind her how exactly I feel about her.