Tattoos and kids

Instead of working at my PhD thesis – and I really ought to – I am surfing the web for tattoo ideas. Annie is not at work today, but she met a dear friend to correct a paper she has to resign next week; this evening, she is meeting her best friend, so that I will have plenty of time to work later. Procrastination and rationalization are becoming my best friends.

I had not planned to get my arms almost totally covered with tattoos, also because with the job I have one is not really encouraged to have them. I cannot show my arms either, anyway; too many scars, both from cutting and burning, so that I prefer tattoos. I want to cover up what I did to myself. If I have to hide my arms, then it will be because i do not want people around me to see my tattoos, not because I do not want them to see my scars.

I feel so unlovable, and so anxious. So many projects, so much anxiety. I am totally blocked. I freeze everytime I feel attacked. I feel so worthless that I never defend myself, not even when I am obviously right. I am not capable of making myself be respected, not even by Annie’s 12-year-old son, who treats me as if I were an idiot. I have somehow the impression that he dislikes me, maybe because he fears I might take her mother away from him – even if I would never. I was never in competition with him or his sister for the love of their mother, and I love them as if they were my own children – even if I never wanted kids. The little one attacks me on a regular basis – well, he raises his voice even with Annie, his grandmother, his sister, and had several problems at school. So… pretty normal he attacks me too. I let him do so. He was diagnosed with ADHD, that increases my patience.

Annie and I are traveling to Lugano for the weekend, and I look forward to spending some time with her alone. We have work to do but I guess we need some good talks and moments to share.