My Descent into Bachelorhood

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started. It’s hard to tell about these things. They tend to seep in slowly, creeping up unnoticed. And because it goes unnoticed, it grows unchecked until it bursts forth, like a Walmart crowd at an 80% off Black Friday sale, leaving one stunned with the realization, wondering where this situation came from. Sorta like being stuck in morning traffic just after you finished a bran muffin and two cups of coffee. But, I can’t say that I am surprised that I have ended up in this situation again. Again, as in I have been in this emotional state before. Many times in fact. I guess that you could say it’s a predictable cycle for my psyche. One that occurs particularly whenever I am not involved in a romantic relationship. I could safely surmise that it is because I have no romantic involvement that this situation has re-appeared.

So, what is this event? Well, it’s not depression. I am of sound mind(I know that claim is debatable) and happy thoughts. It’s not lonliness for I have the companionship of magazine salespeople soliciting at my door and of course ESPN to keep me company. It certainly isn’t boredom because I keep myself occupied with the goal of getting up out of bed at least once a day.

The event that I am referring to is one that I am very familiar with. I call it my ‘Bachitude’. It is a state of mind that some of you single folks will recognize. Okay, I will modify that summary and say, some of you single men will recognize what I am talking about. It is a mindset that evokes an attitude of freedom and unconcern. It is a lifestyle that requires little or no prerequisites. It is a level of existence that allows me to walk past a sink full of dishes and laugh, knowing that I can put them off for another day if I so choose. That laundry piled up in the closet? No problemo! Hey, as long as I have enough clothes for today, I’m not concerned. And what about the fridge? I have so many mutating meals in there that the CDC has quarentined a five block area around my place. But, that’s not an issue for me. It’s a small sacrifice for my life of leisure.

Now don’t get me wrong. This is just a phase. I like a clean living area as well as the next guy. But, having been through this situation before, I know what lies ahead. Soon I will pay for my sins of household degradations and I’ll move into my ‘wipe your feet before you enter’ stage and I’ll attack the untidy juggernaut and really shine this place up. It takes a lot of mental preperation to get up for such an endeavor.

Actually, I have taken the first step toward that goal. I decided that this time around I’ll opt for a support system and recruit some help from outside. I found an ad in the back of magazine that offered "where dirty men come to find satisfaction". I couldn’t believe my luck as I dialed the 1-900 number. Here is how the initial interview went.

"Hello, welcome to Dial-a-Babe, my name is Mistress Darla, what is your fantasy?"

"Umm, I was kinda thinking about starting in the kitchen."

"Oh, I see. Do you want me on the counter?"

"Hmmm, you might want to try the sink first, that’s probably the best place. Then you can work to the counter. By the way, the spray hose leaks but still works pretty well. It’ll probably come in handy. Oh, and I have some rubber gloves that you can wear."

"The spray hose and rubber gloves! That sounds fun. You are such a bad boy aren’t you!"

"Uh, yeah, I guess. Then you can move to the floor and work there for a while. Does that sound okay?"

"Sure, I’ll do whatever you want. It’s your fantasy, lover boy."

"Wow, really? That’s great. Okay, after the kitchen, do you wanna try the bathroom, then move to the closets?"

"My, you certainly have a lot planned for me, huh? Are you sure that you can handle all of that action?"

"Oh yeah. I’ll turn up the TV while you are vacuuming and it won’t bother me."

"Huh? Did you say vacuuming? What are you talking about?"

"Ummm, I’m talking about you cleaning my apartment for me. What did you think?"

"Clean your apartment!!!! What kinda girl do you think I am! Get lost you pervert!"

Then she hung up. Go figure. Well, I guess that I’ll enjoy my bachelor pad just the way it is. So, if you are coming to dinner, bring paper plates. Oh yeah, be sure to wipe you feet before you come in.

Take care.