Stupid Me!!!

He knows how much I want a baby. We spoke about babies today…@$#* we speak about having kids all the damn time!!

So where the hell is he?!

He knows tomorrow morning we are going to the fertility doctor to hear the results of his sperm count!

It is 23:04 and he isn’t home! Where the $&@* is he?

Drunk at his friend! So I really doubt he will be coming home tonight and odds are he has forgotten about the appointment tomorrow morning at 08:30.

I know he will tell me that he was too drunk to drive home so decided to stay at his friend!! Okay good on him for being responsible but what the *$@# about our Fertility Doctor appointment?

He turned 40 this past weekend and the day was a bit of a flop. Started off with us arguing on Friday night because he got drunk and went off without me….

Okay I am not so petty that he cannot go out without me but he knew I wanted to go out with him and was waiting for him to finish working so we could go out. During the day he asked me for money so he could buy electricity for his sister. I didn’t have enough cash and wasn’t going to do a transfer as bank charges are ridiculous so asked him for the meter number so I could buy it via online  banking. He didn’t want to give me the number saying he wanted to be a big brother and purchase it himself.
I get home and gave him my bank card and suggested I go with him…but he just left saying he didn’t want me to come. I got a bank notification of a cash withdrawal. The whole time I was wondering if he used that money to buy electricity and sent it to her or did he go to a bar….

Sat morning I woke up to make him a bday breakfast. He enjoyed it and I kinda sulked. Felt like why am I trying so hard when I am getting nothing from him!!

He decided he wanted to go out. Of course he needed petrol and he had no money and so I used my money to buy him petrol. Just when we are getting on the road he decided  we rather save up on cash and stay at home until the surprise I planned for that night.

I am lying on our bed and a few minutes later I hear him leave. Like WTF? When he came back he told me he just felt like going for a drive. What happened to saying money? What happened to spending time with me?

After a while I get all showered and dressed to take him to his bday dinner. Show wasn’t all that great so we snuck out and went for ice cream.

Sunday he went to hang out with his old friend that was down on holiday from 🇩🇪 . Obviously they were drinking and apparently snorting coke but he decided to leave when the gay guys (which was pretty much all of them) started getting a little too pda for his semi homophobic preference.

Anyway…sucker me has been pleasant because that is just me. I deal with all his shit.

On the 3rd I have a surprise party all planned for him. Invited people and everyone has rsvp’d yes. Cake has been ordered and paid for. Deposit has been paid for restaurant. So basically I cannot pull out of this but all I want to do is tell him to @$#* off and leave me.

This wkend we are meant to fly to my family for a family event and all I am wishing now is that he misses the flight because he is drunk somewhere or locked up in jail or something worse so I don’t have to be all fake in front of my family. The idea of looking at pictures a few years down the line and seeing him and me together makes me want to die!! But guess I am gonna have to fake it as the idea of loosing money for a plane ticket because of him is really gonna hurt. And this wouldn’t be the first time. A few years ago he chose to stay behind and work and forgo my family event even though I had already bought his plane ticket!!

What the $@%* is wrong with me?? Do I not deserve to be loved and respected and cared for? When I chose him I thought I was choosing a partner to share my life with and right now I am feeling like I just chose to live me life with a leech!!

He is always so quick to ask me for money….
PETROL!
VAPE!
ALCOHOL!
HIS FAMILY!

I have spent a fortune for his bday….

ARSENAL JERSEY

ARSENAL MUG

ARSENAL JACKET

ARSENAL KEYRING

ARSENAL P-CAP

BDAY SURPRISE DINNER (for the day and for the 3rd)

PETROL

…I put in so much effort. And I just think back to what he does for me…. Oh yes back rubs most nights while watching tv shows…and of course after I have given him his back rub….okay sometimes he will just give me one or give me an extra one. And because we are not in the same financial bracket I always thought of that as his way of showing me he cares.
We have different LOVE LANGUAGES.

His = Touch and Words of Affirmation

Mine= Receiving and Giving Gifts.

But because I love him I have adapted my LOVE LANGUAGE but that doesn’t mean I still wouldn’t appreciate a flower or box of chocolate every now and then!!

Argh!! I don’t know what I am gonna do!! I don’t have the guts to kick him out! But I think I would rather just share the rest of my life with my Kindle and watching the Love Island dramas!!

Oh wait… he did come back home…

Heard keys unlock the front door at 03:10 am….
He went straight into the bathroom and had a shower…

And since 03:38 I have had to put up with his snoring….