Surrounded Only By My Thoughts

I don’t have much of a support system.  I’m not trying to be down on myself, but that’s my reality and it seemingly always has been.  This apparent lack of support system doesn’t leave me feeling lonely or down or anything like that.  That’s just the way my life has been set up for a while.  Still, I feel this sort of emptiness inside, like something is truly missing, even though there’s no real way for me to bring that missing part back.  Indeed, it’s very hard to ignore.  I’ve never had it in my mind or heart that I should give up and rest assured that I won’t.

To those around me, I can’t show any signs that I’m in pain or that I am somehow out of sorts.  I’ll admit that right now, I am definitely outside of my baseline.  Inside though, I think about this situation a lot and probably more than I should.  Before all of this happened, I used to be a comedian at work.  Once I return to work from my vacation, I don’t know if I’ll still be that same carefree and jovial person that I once was.  I always relied on jokes and humor to lighten any mood, but as I write this, I just don’t feel like I can.  I don’t feel any overwhelming anxiety or anything and I’m not experiencing any kind of labored breathing.  Maybe things are more challenging for me at the moment because I am on vacation and I’m somewhat socially isolated for the time being.  Being that I’m mostly alone right now, I find myself being overwhelmed by a sort of mental and emotional flood, as far as all of the thoughts of Serena and everything that we did and experienced together last year.

I have never been the type to self-sabotage and don’t think, even for a second, that I’m going to do anything rash or drastic.  I know that I’m so much better than that.  I’ve never been the type to engage in any manner of behavior or activities that are not good for me.  I know that I’ll find my happiness soon enough, without having to resort to doing things that I wouldn’t normally do.  Just know this.  I haven’t completely lost my typical shine or brilliance.  I may not be as shiny at the moment, but I’ll get there soon enough.

The bottom line is quite simple.  No one will see how miserable I feel right now, because I hide it well.  I have to, because nobody can know how terrible I am feeling at the moment.  I don’t have any other choice but to put on a show for the outside world.  I don’t want to call it “faking it”.  No, I prefer to go with the phrase, “being stoic”.

I might have to pretend to be happy for the time being, but eventually I’ll get there again.  I’m hoping this happens sooner rather than later.